Hello all!
While it has been a fabulous journey for me to write this blog, it's time for me to move on to other projects. I am not, however, leaving you without the rest of my sex advice! Where's the rest of it? It's available! Free from me via a PDF of the whole book. Just write to me at gettingthegirl@gmail.com and I'll send The Geek's Guide to Getting the Girl to you! Hey, and it's available as a Kindle book on amazon.com for only 0.99! What a deal!
The remaining sections in the Sexploits chapter include:
Getting Her Off
Things You Need to Tell Her (or Not)
How to Tell if She Likes What You're Doing
Oral Sex Tips
So now I'll close with my words from the last chapter of the book:
As you bring your new dating skills into the world and embark upon some risk-taking, I have a few last words of advice:
Share your skills. You’re a computer expert? You can hook up a hi-def TV in sixty seconds? Let it be known! You’d be amazed at how many single women (well, people in general, but we don’t care about them) need help from time to time, even if they don’t want to admit it. Offering to help is a great way to meet and get to know friends of friends and workplace acquaintances.
Quit worrying about getting older. You may be losing your hair. At twenty-five. Or it may be going gray. Maybe you used to be skinny and now suddenly you’ve got this paunch. At your twenty-year high school reunion, it’s the men who are sneering at your lack of hair and your wrinkles, not the women. Women don’t care. Neither should you.
Don’t be a pushover. I hear men complain about women who say they want a nice, sensitive guy, but when they find him, they dump him. The truth? Women don’t dump nice guys. They dump pushovers. Don’t let being desperate turn you into a milquetoast. Have an opinion. Don’t let her get her way all the time. She’ll lose respect for you if you do.
Don’t settle. Resources are not scarce. Don’t let your state of desperation lead to marrying the first woman you date for more than a month. I’ve seen too many geeks marry their first girlfriend and come to regret it. And these same guys are too damn nice to divorce her. Which leaves the rest of us single women without hope of ever snagging you. Not fair to us, not fair to you. Don’t marry your first girlfriend.
And let me tell you a secret that I’ve hidden from you until now: Other men envy you. Yes, even the men with tanned, cocoa-buttered chests and devastating smiles. Why? Because women find you approachable. You don’t judge people by how they look and the world in turn treats you the same. The geek culture you come from is accepting of all kinds of people, so you’ll talk to anyone--and actually listen to them.
Other men envy you because you genuinely like life and have time to enjoy it. You have hobbies you pursue with a passion, not because you have nothing better to do with your time but because you love what you do. You have freedom most men don’t have at your age, precisely because you aren’t married and don’t have kids who gobble up all your leisure time.
Other men envy you because women find you interesting. You have a brain and you’re willing to use it even though you aren’t in college anymore. The best conversations most people have are the ones they had in college staying up late at night discussing some arcane theory. As a geek, you continue to engage in contemplating the universe while most people turn twenty-two and never again seriously think about anything. They’ve formed their opinions, they’ve gained all the knowledge about the world they think they need, and they’re done. You are not like that, and women find that attractive.
Other men envy you because of your technical know-how, scientific background and affinity for computers guarantee that you will get ahead and stay ahead financially. It’s a geek’s world now.
Start looking around and you’ll see it. Women (over twenty-five) are more likely to talk to you than the Charmer. And people are more genuinely interested in your opinion than in the opinion of the Man, whose thoughts are easily guessed and never deviate from the party line.
You’ve become the High-Functioning Geek and now nothing can hold you back. Not even an immovable object. Because you, as an irresistible object, cannot logically exist in a universe where there is an immovable object!
Good Luck! And feel free to email me at gettingthegirl@gmail.com
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sexual Etiquette, Part Two
Don’t scrimp on the foreplay. Foreplay will never go on too long for her. I don’t mean that no amount of time is too long, I mean that when she’s done with foreplay, she’ll be desperately pulling you on top of her and putting you inside, so don’t worry about doing too much of it. She’ll let you know.
Don’t put all your weight on her unless she says it’s okay. Most men weigh enough that pressing all of their weight on a woman will crush her ribs, or, if nothing else, make breathing difficult.
Don’t lean on her hair either with your hands or your head. Move her hair out of your way first.
When she’s doing something you don’t like, say something. But rather than say “no” or “stop,” which can be insulting, give her direction about what you do want. Directions during sex that are given in the affirmative (“I really like it when you xxx”) rather than the negative (“Doing xxx does nothing for me sexually”) are much more helpful (to both you and her), and won’t hurt her feelings because you’re not telling her she’s doing something “wrong.” No one likes to be wrong sexually.
Let her initiate going down on you. Do not pull or push her head down. Sometimes a woman doesn’t feel like doing it, and some women never want to do it. Never force or coerce her. This will set you apart from other men and show you as a better lover. Appalling that some men are so inconsiderate. But true.
Afterward, consider asking if you can get her anything.
Staying awake for snuggling afterward can be nice. If you are going to fall asleep (as many men do and most experienced women understand), say something so she doesn't feel ignored or used—like “You were so amazing, you've worn me out.”
Jumping up to take a shower or wash the smell of her off your mouth, hands, etc. will make her feel dirty, and like you really didn’t want to be going down on her/touching her. But don’t be insulted if she jumps up and runs to the bathroom right after. Some women get urinary tract infections quite easily and peeing after sex helps avoid UTIs.
Ask her what you could do more of next time and tell her what you liked in the afterglow of sex--not like two minutes after you’ve orgasmed but five or ten minutes. Don’t be afraid to ask more than once. Just not every time. Every time makes you seem insecure… You could say something like “You seemed to like [this particular activity], did you?” or “Is there anything I could have done more of?”
Don’t put all your weight on her unless she says it’s okay. Most men weigh enough that pressing all of their weight on a woman will crush her ribs, or, if nothing else, make breathing difficult.
Don’t lean on her hair either with your hands or your head. Move her hair out of your way first.
When she’s doing something you don’t like, say something. But rather than say “no” or “stop,” which can be insulting, give her direction about what you do want. Directions during sex that are given in the affirmative (“I really like it when you xxx”) rather than the negative (“Doing xxx does nothing for me sexually”) are much more helpful (to both you and her), and won’t hurt her feelings because you’re not telling her she’s doing something “wrong.” No one likes to be wrong sexually.
Let her initiate going down on you. Do not pull or push her head down. Sometimes a woman doesn’t feel like doing it, and some women never want to do it. Never force or coerce her. This will set you apart from other men and show you as a better lover. Appalling that some men are so inconsiderate. But true.
Afterward, consider asking if you can get her anything.
Staying awake for snuggling afterward can be nice. If you are going to fall asleep (as many men do and most experienced women understand), say something so she doesn't feel ignored or used—like “You were so amazing, you've worn me out.”
Jumping up to take a shower or wash the smell of her off your mouth, hands, etc. will make her feel dirty, and like you really didn’t want to be going down on her/touching her. But don’t be insulted if she jumps up and runs to the bathroom right after. Some women get urinary tract infections quite easily and peeing after sex helps avoid UTIs.
Ask her what you could do more of next time and tell her what you liked in the afterglow of sex--not like two minutes after you’ve orgasmed but five or ten minutes. Don’t be afraid to ask more than once. Just not every time. Every time makes you seem insecure… You could say something like “You seemed to like [this particular activity], did you?” or “Is there anything I could have done more of?”
Friday, October 1, 2010
Sexual Etiquette, Part One
Have trimmed, filed nails. And make sure the skin on your hands is smooth too. The last thing you want to do is scratch her tender, sensitive skin when you’re making love to her. She will not want you to touch her there again.
Make sure it’s warm enough in the bedroom for no clothes to be on. Close the window and turn on the heat if necessary. Conversely, if it’s a hot summer night, make sure it’s cool enough. Open a window, and turn on a fan.
Be entirely certain she wants to! Don’t assume that since you did it on your last date that she wants to continue in that vein. Ask “Is this okay?”
Do it in a bed, especially at first. Experimentation can be saved for later. The back seat of a car, the floor of a barn, on the ground in the woods is too rough on the back.
Music can be a nice touch, but some women, especially when first sleeping with someone, can find any sound or visual stimulation distracting. Forgo mood music until you know what she likes better. And leave the lights dim--not because she’s modest but because a bright light bulb shining in the eyes can be irritating and distracting from the activity at hand.
Compliment her body. Women love to feel powerful, seductive, sexy. Simply saying “You are so beautiful,” or “You have an amazingly sexy body” is perfect. Any woman will love to hear that. Or notice some detail about her body and say “I love this [part or nook]”--only don't say “I love this part on *women's* bodies.” She doesn't want to hear about other women—leave that part off.
On Tuesday: Sexual Etiquette, Part Two
Make sure it’s warm enough in the bedroom for no clothes to be on. Close the window and turn on the heat if necessary. Conversely, if it’s a hot summer night, make sure it’s cool enough. Open a window, and turn on a fan.
Be entirely certain she wants to! Don’t assume that since you did it on your last date that she wants to continue in that vein. Ask “Is this okay?”
Do it in a bed, especially at first. Experimentation can be saved for later. The back seat of a car, the floor of a barn, on the ground in the woods is too rough on the back.
Music can be a nice touch, but some women, especially when first sleeping with someone, can find any sound or visual stimulation distracting. Forgo mood music until you know what she likes better. And leave the lights dim--not because she’s modest but because a bright light bulb shining in the eyes can be irritating and distracting from the activity at hand.
Compliment her body. Women love to feel powerful, seductive, sexy. Simply saying “You are so beautiful,” or “You have an amazingly sexy body” is perfect. Any woman will love to hear that. Or notice some detail about her body and say “I love this [part or nook]”--only don't say “I love this part on *women's* bodies.” She doesn't want to hear about other women—leave that part off.
On Tuesday: Sexual Etiquette, Part Two
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sexploits: The Basics
Wear underwear without rips in it. There are probably women out there who like the tighty whitey. I just don’t know any. Wear boxers or boxer briefs.
As to manscaping, being clean is really what is most important. If your pubic hair is particularly wild and crazy, consider trimming it. If you like mouth on testicle action, shaving down there will get you more of what you want. Do what you find comfortable in regards to hair removal in your nether regions. It's not that big a deal to most women.
When making love, like a boy scout, be prepared. You should have the following at close hand:
• Clean sheets, preferably 100% cotton and a high thread count (300 or higher) or silk or satin. Avoid flannel—it'll remind her of your grandmother.
• Condoms, in a new box if this is your first time with her. It’s way tacky to use condoms from a box that’s already open and missing some condoms. Yeah, she knows/assumes you’ve slept with other women, but she doesn’t want to have to be reminded of it as you are both lying there naked together.
• Lubrication. A full bottle--see reason above. Any number of brands are fine--particularly good are Astroglide and Slippery Stuff.
• A glass of water. Or two.
• Tissues and/or a hand towel. Do I need to be specific about why?
• Candles and a lighter, if you wish
Advanced items:
If you must have massage oil, get the kind that does not stain sheets. Most kinds commonly available do stain sheets. The brands that won’t are generally available at sex toy shops or, for the shy, on the Internet.
As to bubble bath and other bathtub accoutrements? Forget about it. It's really hard to get comfortable in a bathtub, even a large one, with another person, and she may not be at ease with you seeing her naked body exposed in that way and from those potentially unflattering angles.
Like massage oil and bubble bath, bondage tape, handcuffs, etc. are unnecessary. If you're into them and she is too, and you're comfortable with it, fine. But the reality is you don't need any of it.
As to manscaping, being clean is really what is most important. If your pubic hair is particularly wild and crazy, consider trimming it. If you like mouth on testicle action, shaving down there will get you more of what you want. Do what you find comfortable in regards to hair removal in your nether regions. It's not that big a deal to most women.
When making love, like a boy scout, be prepared. You should have the following at close hand:
• Clean sheets, preferably 100% cotton and a high thread count (300 or higher) or silk or satin. Avoid flannel—it'll remind her of your grandmother.
• Condoms, in a new box if this is your first time with her. It’s way tacky to use condoms from a box that’s already open and missing some condoms. Yeah, she knows/assumes you’ve slept with other women, but she doesn’t want to have to be reminded of it as you are both lying there naked together.
• Lubrication. A full bottle--see reason above. Any number of brands are fine--particularly good are Astroglide and Slippery Stuff.
• A glass of water. Or two.
• Tissues and/or a hand towel. Do I need to be specific about why?
• Candles and a lighter, if you wish
Advanced items:
If you must have massage oil, get the kind that does not stain sheets. Most kinds commonly available do stain sheets. The brands that won’t are generally available at sex toy shops or, for the shy, on the Internet.
As to bubble bath and other bathtub accoutrements? Forget about it. It's really hard to get comfortable in a bathtub, even a large one, with another person, and she may not be at ease with you seeing her naked body exposed in that way and from those potentially unflattering angles.
Like massage oil and bubble bath, bondage tape, handcuffs, etc. are unnecessary. If you're into them and she is too, and you're comfortable with it, fine. But the reality is you don't need any of it.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Sexploits
Here’s the bad news: what some women prefer, others don't, and what some women don't like, others can't get enough of. And, oh, yeah, the same woman can *not* want the same thing she loved the last time you did it.
The good news: you can always resort to (surprise!) asking her what she likes. I know this concept is novel, but it actually works. Except with the woman who doesn’t know what she wants until you help her discover it...
While I do plan on writing about technique, remember that a woman is not a car engine, and she doesn’t want to be treated like a machine that needs to be figured out. Focusing on technique distances you from your partner. You may be stimulating her breasts exactly right according to some article you read in Maxim, but if you aren’t paying attention to how she is reacting in that moment to the stimulation, you may be annoying her.
Connect to your partner. Pay attention to the moment. And to her. *That* is what is important—not some suave technique.
You may be nervous, or you may be so tuned in to your own orgasm that you have your eyes closed the whole time you’re making love. Open your eyes. Look at your partner during sex. She doesn’t want to be your masturbation toy, and she doesn’t want to think that you could be picturing someone else behind those closed eyes while you’re inside her.
The keys to being a great lover?
1. Act confident (even when you aren't confident).
2. Approach her and your lovemaking with curiosity. You don't need to “know” everything. Learning about each other through the process is fun and creates more intimacy than diving in and doing it the way you were told to by some supposedly very experienced friend (male or female).
3. Be present with her in the moment.
I will repeat this again: being a great lover is not about "perfect" technique or an encyclopedic range of "moves" or vast amounts of experience. It's about being present and connected.
Up next: The Basics
The good news: you can always resort to (surprise!) asking her what she likes. I know this concept is novel, but it actually works. Except with the woman who doesn’t know what she wants until you help her discover it...
While I do plan on writing about technique, remember that a woman is not a car engine, and she doesn’t want to be treated like a machine that needs to be figured out. Focusing on technique distances you from your partner. You may be stimulating her breasts exactly right according to some article you read in Maxim, but if you aren’t paying attention to how she is reacting in that moment to the stimulation, you may be annoying her.
Connect to your partner. Pay attention to the moment. And to her. *That* is what is important—not some suave technique.
You may be nervous, or you may be so tuned in to your own orgasm that you have your eyes closed the whole time you’re making love. Open your eyes. Look at your partner during sex. She doesn’t want to be your masturbation toy, and she doesn’t want to think that you could be picturing someone else behind those closed eyes while you’re inside her.
The keys to being a great lover?
1. Act confident (even when you aren't confident).
2. Approach her and your lovemaking with curiosity. You don't need to “know” everything. Learning about each other through the process is fun and creates more intimacy than diving in and doing it the way you were told to by some supposedly very experienced friend (male or female).
3. Be present with her in the moment.
I will repeat this again: being a great lover is not about "perfect" technique or an encyclopedic range of "moves" or vast amounts of experience. It's about being present and connected.
Up next: The Basics
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Dry Spell
But what is the relevance of anything in these last few posts about identifying your your match if you can’t even manage to get *any* dates, much less find a mate or girlfriend? Let’s say a year has passed and you’ve implemented the recommended changes on this blog, and you’re still at home every Saturday night, looking at pictures of Jupiter on the National Geographic Web site with no dates in sight. Is it hopeless?
All of us have dry spells. Even yearlong ones. If you have a life you love and someone to bitch to (preferably someone in your same dateless circumstance--partnered people will have no patience with you), you can get through a dry spell.
If it’s more than a dry spell, be really honest with yourself:
*Are you making dating and socializing a priority? If you live in Alaska, you aren’t making it a priority. Which is fine if you really love Alaska. But quit your complaining about not being able to find a girlfriend.
*Have you done all you could to be available and attractive (i.e., followed *all* the advice in this book)? Do you have an online profile? Have you lost some weight? *Do you have interesting hobbies?
*Do you need a reality check from a brutally honest friend about what you do that puts women off? Ask a friend about the kind of first impression you make. Are you a loud, abrasive know-it-all? Do you tell stories that put you in a bad light--either by being painfully boring or by highlighting your least appealing traits? Do you give off an aloof, cold, unavailable vibe? Being shy can make a person seem distant and unapproachable.
*Lastly, do you have emotional issues that need to be worked out in therapy?
If you can be truthful with yourself and then *do* something about it, you will not want for dates.
All of us have dry spells. Even yearlong ones. If you have a life you love and someone to bitch to (preferably someone in your same dateless circumstance--partnered people will have no patience with you), you can get through a dry spell.
If it’s more than a dry spell, be really honest with yourself:
*Are you making dating and socializing a priority? If you live in Alaska, you aren’t making it a priority. Which is fine if you really love Alaska. But quit your complaining about not being able to find a girlfriend.
*Have you done all you could to be available and attractive (i.e., followed *all* the advice in this book)? Do you have an online profile? Have you lost some weight? *Do you have interesting hobbies?
*Do you need a reality check from a brutally honest friend about what you do that puts women off? Ask a friend about the kind of first impression you make. Are you a loud, abrasive know-it-all? Do you tell stories that put you in a bad light--either by being painfully boring or by highlighting your least appealing traits? Do you give off an aloof, cold, unavailable vibe? Being shy can make a person seem distant and unapproachable.
*Lastly, do you have emotional issues that need to be worked out in therapy?
If you can be truthful with yourself and then *do* something about it, you will not want for dates.
Friday, September 17, 2010
What Do Women Want?
The Physical
Women tend to be less picky than men about looks and weight but we do have standards:
*Clean clipped fingernails. No one wants to get scratched with a rough nail.
*Thighs that are larger than hers.
*Two eyebrows. No unibrows please!
*A reasonable level of physical strength. Okay, so we’re a little shallow.
Behaviors
*Takes care of his health. Men typically die earlier--we don’t want you to make it worse.
*Shows public displays of affection.
*Knows how to give a massage.
*Is good in bed.
*Has a clean bathroom.
*Thinks and says her body is the sexiest thing ever.
*Doesn’t look at other women, particularly when you’re together. (She will find out if you’re looking at other women when she isn’t around.)
*Is a good storyteller.
Personality Traits
*Is silly, makes her laugh. Remember: quoting Monty Python is not funny. Neither are puns. (Okay, sometimes puns are funny but *you* can’t tell the difference between the funny ones and the un-funny ones. So avoid them.)
*Is verbally, emotionally expressive.
*Is spontaneous.
*Has some trait or accomplishment she can be proud of: really good-looking, successful, smart, entrepreneurial or nurturing. You don’t have to be all of those things. One will do. Women like to brag about their beaus. Give her something she can brag about.
*Is stable (financially, emotionally).
*Is fiercely loyal.
*Is thoughtful--once might have been called chivalry. Remember to have her favorite candy or chips on hand when she comes over to watch a movie. Ask about the work project she talked about last time you were together. Bring her hot soup when she’s sick.
That's what we want!
Women tend to be less picky than men about looks and weight but we do have standards:
*Clean clipped fingernails. No one wants to get scratched with a rough nail.
*Thighs that are larger than hers.
*Two eyebrows. No unibrows please!
*A reasonable level of physical strength. Okay, so we’re a little shallow.
Behaviors
*Takes care of his health. Men typically die earlier--we don’t want you to make it worse.
*Shows public displays of affection.
*Knows how to give a massage.
*Is good in bed.
*Has a clean bathroom.
*Thinks and says her body is the sexiest thing ever.
*Doesn’t look at other women, particularly when you’re together. (She will find out if you’re looking at other women when she isn’t around.)
*Is a good storyteller.
Personality Traits
*Is silly, makes her laugh. Remember: quoting Monty Python is not funny. Neither are puns. (Okay, sometimes puns are funny but *you* can’t tell the difference between the funny ones and the un-funny ones. So avoid them.)
*Is verbally, emotionally expressive.
*Is spontaneous.
*Has some trait or accomplishment she can be proud of: really good-looking, successful, smart, entrepreneurial or nurturing. You don’t have to be all of those things. One will do. Women like to brag about their beaus. Give her something she can brag about.
*Is stable (financially, emotionally).
*Is fiercely loyal.
*Is thoughtful--once might have been called chivalry. Remember to have her favorite candy or chips on hand when she comes over to watch a movie. Ask about the work project she talked about last time you were together. Bring her hot soup when she’s sick.
That's what we want!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Values to Match On
The last item you must match on is not exactly a value. It’s the kids or no kids question. It’s okay to be undecided on whether you want kids or not, but if you have a strong desire one way or the other and you are dating in order to meet your wife, you need to find a way to make your opinion known early on. Online dating services are great because most of them have the kids question as one of the default questions that you have to answer when you set up your profile. A woman may run in the other direction if you talk about kids on a first date, but do drop clues if you start seeing each other regularly.
Look back at your description of the ideal woman that I asked you to write down several weeks ago. Are there qualities you would change, add, subtract? It should be clear by now that qualities like “must love The Decemberists” and “gets my Simpsons references” don’t need to be on your list, but qualities like “is politically active” might be essential to you.
Take into consideration that stability in a long term relationship often goes with having similar backgrounds, ideals and traits: for example, socio-economic background and current financial standing, religious upbringing, current religious/spiritual beliefs, level of formal education, level of intelligence and interest in politics.
Using the list below, think about the end of the spectrum where you fall. Then go back through the list and decide how much variation you can tolerate in a partner. Write it down. Maybe you don’t want kids, but step kids would be all right. Maybe you’re Christian but she doesn’t have to be as along as she has some kind of spiritual grounding.
Security ... Freedom
Closed social circle … Open social circle
Social butterfly … Homebody
Time with others … Time alone
Interdependence … Independence
Materialism … Spirituality
Apathy … Involvement
Avoider … Debater … Compromiser
Kids … No kids
So now you know what you want and what makes for a stable relationship, but...
What Do Women Want?
Look back at your description of the ideal woman that I asked you to write down several weeks ago. Are there qualities you would change, add, subtract? It should be clear by now that qualities like “must love The Decemberists” and “gets my Simpsons references” don’t need to be on your list, but qualities like “is politically active” might be essential to you.
Take into consideration that stability in a long term relationship often goes with having similar backgrounds, ideals and traits: for example, socio-economic background and current financial standing, religious upbringing, current religious/spiritual beliefs, level of formal education, level of intelligence and interest in politics.
Using the list below, think about the end of the spectrum where you fall. Then go back through the list and decide how much variation you can tolerate in a partner. Write it down. Maybe you don’t want kids, but step kids would be all right. Maybe you’re Christian but she doesn’t have to be as along as she has some kind of spiritual grounding.
Security ... Freedom
Closed social circle … Open social circle
Social butterfly … Homebody
Time with others … Time alone
Interdependence … Independence
Materialism … Spirituality
Apathy … Involvement
Avoider … Debater … Compromiser
Kids … No kids
So now you know what you want and what makes for a stable relationship, but...
What Do Women Want?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Her Fighting Style
How can you tell what her style is? If you’ve been together for a year, it’s probably easy to tell. If you haven’t had an argument during that time, she’s an Avoider (and you probably are too). If you’ve had several arguments where she has ended up crying or yelling, she’s probably a Debater. And if you’ve had calm conversations sitting on the couch where it felt like you were in a therapy session, she’s likely a Compromiser.
But how can you tell what kind of conflict style someone has before you get that deeply into a relationship? The Debaters are usually easy to spot. They bring up controversial topics in social settings and are likely to be the ones doing most of the talking (and loudly) during those conversations. You get the feeling from them that they like to be right all the time.
Compromisers are often the ones in the group that recognize if someone is uncomfortable (with the conversation topic or with social situations in general) or if someone has a headache or other physical malady. They are likely to ask about these things without the person having verbally expressed any discomfort. When others are arguing or debating a topic, Compromisers will make clarifying statements ( “so what x seems to be saying is…,” “do you mean…?”), and they will ask questions before expressing their own opinion on the matter.
Avoiders are more difficult to suss out because some Avoiders do enjoy intellectual debate but abhor arguments of the personal kind. Some clues might be bitching about problems at work that she has never brought to the attention of her boss, shutting down when someone contradicts her, and ignoring social slights or oversights, such as the host forgetting to make the drink that he said he would get for her.
Figure out what your style is and find someone who matches or is compatible with you.
Up Next: Values Wrap-up
But how can you tell what kind of conflict style someone has before you get that deeply into a relationship? The Debaters are usually easy to spot. They bring up controversial topics in social settings and are likely to be the ones doing most of the talking (and loudly) during those conversations. You get the feeling from them that they like to be right all the time.
Compromisers are often the ones in the group that recognize if someone is uncomfortable (with the conversation topic or with social situations in general) or if someone has a headache or other physical malady. They are likely to ask about these things without the person having verbally expressed any discomfort. When others are arguing or debating a topic, Compromisers will make clarifying statements ( “so what x seems to be saying is…,” “do you mean…?”), and they will ask questions before expressing their own opinion on the matter.
Avoiders are more difficult to suss out because some Avoiders do enjoy intellectual debate but abhor arguments of the personal kind. Some clues might be bitching about problems at work that she has never brought to the attention of her boss, shutting down when someone contradicts her, and ignoring social slights or oversights, such as the host forgetting to make the drink that he said he would get for her.
Figure out what your style is and find someone who matches or is compatible with you.
Up Next: Values Wrap-up
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Fighting Style
Another arena in which you'll need to find compatibility is in your fighting style. I wrote about this recently. But let's review.
There are different appropriate ways to handle conflict. Some avoid it. Some confront it head on and are very emotionally expressive in these interactions. Others negotiate. None of these styles is bad or wrong. But mix an Avoider with a Debater, and you’ve got a disaster on your hands.
Avoiders/Yielders rarely come into conflict with each other. They do get annoyed with their partner’s behavior. And they do disagree with their partners on various issues. But, for the most part, none of these annoyances or disagreements is important enough for the annoyed partner to bother bringing it up. And as long as the annoyances really are not that big of a deal to the partner, this is a fine way to deal with conflict. It means that there is a lot that this couple doesn’t know about each other since they keep silent about a lot of things, but the relationship is fairly placid, and that’s what is preferable for these couples.
Other couples are Debaters. They have loud, emotionally expressive conflicts about almost everything that they could have a conflict about. They enjoy pushing each other and value letting it all hang out over having peace in the home. This couple knows a lot about each other and may be more intimate emotionally than other types of couples but run the risk of saying things in the heat of the argument that they wish they could take back and can not.
The Compromiser couple largely practice all the techniques that you are “supposed” to when in conflict. They listen. They acknowledge the feelings behind their partner’s words and they work out a compromise.Sometimes Compromisers end up giving up a lot of what they want as individuals for the benefit of the relationship.
How do you deal with conflict? You should know from the previous posts on fighting what kind of fighter you are, but if not, think over the last year of your life, both at work and in your personal life. How many outright conflicts have you had with anyone? If your only expressed conflicts were with your parents or siblings, you’re an Avoider. There’s simply no way that in the course of a year, a decision hasn’t been made at work that you utterly disagreed with. And there’s no way a friend didn’t do something that pissed you off or hurt your feelings. If you can think of an argument you had over the past year, how would you categorize it? You’re less likely to be a Debater in a work situation, even if you are a Debater in your personal life, so try to think of a conflict with a friend. Did you get emotional? Were you accusatory? You’re a Debater. Or did you think long and hard about what you wanted to say before you said it? Did you talk through ways to resolve the issue? Did you walk away from the conversation enlightened by what your friend had to say? You’re a Compromiser.
Up Next: But how can you tell what her style is?
There are different appropriate ways to handle conflict. Some avoid it. Some confront it head on and are very emotionally expressive in these interactions. Others negotiate. None of these styles is bad or wrong. But mix an Avoider with a Debater, and you’ve got a disaster on your hands.
Avoiders/Yielders rarely come into conflict with each other. They do get annoyed with their partner’s behavior. And they do disagree with their partners on various issues. But, for the most part, none of these annoyances or disagreements is important enough for the annoyed partner to bother bringing it up. And as long as the annoyances really are not that big of a deal to the partner, this is a fine way to deal with conflict. It means that there is a lot that this couple doesn’t know about each other since they keep silent about a lot of things, but the relationship is fairly placid, and that’s what is preferable for these couples.
Other couples are Debaters. They have loud, emotionally expressive conflicts about almost everything that they could have a conflict about. They enjoy pushing each other and value letting it all hang out over having peace in the home. This couple knows a lot about each other and may be more intimate emotionally than other types of couples but run the risk of saying things in the heat of the argument that they wish they could take back and can not.
The Compromiser couple largely practice all the techniques that you are “supposed” to when in conflict. They listen. They acknowledge the feelings behind their partner’s words and they work out a compromise.Sometimes Compromisers end up giving up a lot of what they want as individuals for the benefit of the relationship.
How do you deal with conflict? You should know from the previous posts on fighting what kind of fighter you are, but if not, think over the last year of your life, both at work and in your personal life. How many outright conflicts have you had with anyone? If your only expressed conflicts were with your parents or siblings, you’re an Avoider. There’s simply no way that in the course of a year, a decision hasn’t been made at work that you utterly disagreed with. And there’s no way a friend didn’t do something that pissed you off or hurt your feelings. If you can think of an argument you had over the past year, how would you categorize it? You’re less likely to be a Debater in a work situation, even if you are a Debater in your personal life, so try to think of a conflict with a friend. Did you get emotional? Were you accusatory? You’re a Debater. Or did you think long and hard about what you wanted to say before you said it? Did you talk through ways to resolve the issue? Did you walk away from the conversation enlightened by what your friend had to say? You’re a Compromiser.
Up Next: But how can you tell what her style is?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Apathy vs. Involvement
Another value on which you'll want to match a long-term partner is your level of apathy/involvement, which shows up in different arenas: politics, your own health, the environment, etc.
Are you more of a laissez-faire sort of person? Do you think there isn’t much you can do to improve your health, that it’s mostly determined by biology, so why exercise, see a doctor regularly or eat healthy? Do you think it doesn’t matter if you recycle or take the bus instead of driving? What difference does one person make? Then you are on the apathetic end of the scale. Look for someone who shares your apathy.
Or do you vote, engage in local politics and write your senator on a regular basis? Do you try to do what you can to be healthy and keep the environment vital? Then look for someone who takes an active role in her community.
If the two of you are not near each other on this spectrum, it will drive both of you nuts. If you’re apathetic, she will worry about your health, and nag you about it, and ultimately she will not respect you for failing to do anything about the wrong in the world. If you’re the engaged one, she might find your optimism encouraging and even infectious at first, but ultimately your energy about politics, the world, health, etc. will grate on her nerves as all she wants to do is relax.
Next Up: Fighting Style
Are you more of a laissez-faire sort of person? Do you think there isn’t much you can do to improve your health, that it’s mostly determined by biology, so why exercise, see a doctor regularly or eat healthy? Do you think it doesn’t matter if you recycle or take the bus instead of driving? What difference does one person make? Then you are on the apathetic end of the scale. Look for someone who shares your apathy.
Or do you vote, engage in local politics and write your senator on a regular basis? Do you try to do what you can to be healthy and keep the environment vital? Then look for someone who takes an active role in her community.
If the two of you are not near each other on this spectrum, it will drive both of you nuts. If you’re apathetic, she will worry about your health, and nag you about it, and ultimately she will not respect you for failing to do anything about the wrong in the world. If you’re the engaged one, she might find your optimism encouraging and even infectious at first, but ultimately your energy about politics, the world, health, etc. will grate on her nerves as all she wants to do is relax.
Next Up: Fighting Style
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Meaning of Life
Another Life Value you should share with a long-term partner is the Meaning of Life. There’s a larger difference between pet owners and non-pet owners than between cat and dog people. It’s a difference of kind versus degree. You don’t necessarily have to have identical ideas about the meaning of life and/or spirituality, but if one of you is a complete materialist and the other is spiritual (by whatever definition), you’re in a worse position than the couple where one is a Jew and the other is a Christian. You don’t have to agree about how the universe came into being or about who/what exactly God is, but you do both have to believe in some kind of God, or you both have to be atheists.
What is the meaning of life for you? If you’ve won this game of life, what would you have? Is it about power and money and having a nice car, a house overlooking the ocean and the ability to travel whenever you want? Or is it about attaining closeness to God? Giving back to the universe? Helping your fellow human being? Some people feel bad saying it’s about the material world. They feel they ought to say life is about altruism, religion or some other “lofty” ideal. But be honest. Look at your bank statement. What do you spend your time and money on? Do you give 10% to charity? Or do you spend your discretionary money on the newest technology? And how do you spend your free time? How you spend your time and money tells you what you truly value.
Up next: Apathy vs. Involvement
What is the meaning of life for you? If you’ve won this game of life, what would you have? Is it about power and money and having a nice car, a house overlooking the ocean and the ability to travel whenever you want? Or is it about attaining closeness to God? Giving back to the universe? Helping your fellow human being? Some people feel bad saying it’s about the material world. They feel they ought to say life is about altruism, religion or some other “lofty” ideal. But be honest. Look at your bank statement. What do you spend your time and money on? Do you give 10% to charity? Or do you spend your discretionary money on the newest technology? And how do you spend your free time? How you spend your time and money tells you what you truly value.
Up next: Apathy vs. Involvement
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Connectedness vs. Independence
Another "life value" that you'll want to share in order to have long-term relationship success is your preference for connectedness.
This area can be represented as a wheel with a series of spokes of different lengths. When you overlay your wheel onto hers they should be close to identical. Each spoke represents a different aspect of social connectedness.
One spoke represents how closed your social network is. Some people prefer a fairly closed system of interaction. They are very close to their family of origin and keep in contact with extended family as well. The friends they have outside of their relations are often people they’ve known for a very long time--from college, high school or even kids they met at the National Spelling Bee in fifth grade. The more open your system, the more diverse your friends are and the more people you come into contact with and develop relationships with. The more open your system, the longer the spoke.
The second spoke represents how much of a homebody you are. Would you rather stay in on the weekend or have a party or two to attend? When you go to a party, do you enjoy hanging around with the people you already know, or do you prefer talking to people you haven’t met before? Would you rather entertain in your own home, or go to someone else’s? The more of a social butterfly you are, the longer this spoke is.
The third spoke represents how much alone time you need. Do you prefer living alone to living with a roommate? Do you need a bit of peace and quiet and no social interaction when you first come home from work? The more alone time you need, the shorter your spoke.
The last spoke represents your level of independence versus interdependence. Do you prefer to complete work projects by yourself or with a group or committee? Would you rather fix the toilet by yourself or have a friend join you? If you’re trying to lose weight, do you do it quietly by yourself, or do you need someone to encourage and/or keep you accountable? The more independent you are, the shorter this spoke is.
The more similar you are along each of these spokes, the less you have to deal with the pursuer-distancer dance. If you both enjoy the same amount of alone time, together time and social time, then neither of you will feel suffocated by the other (the pursuer) and neither of you will feel alienated by the other (the distancer).
I'll be on hiatus for the next two weeks, but when I return, I'll discuss another Life Value, The Meaning of Life.
This area can be represented as a wheel with a series of spokes of different lengths. When you overlay your wheel onto hers they should be close to identical. Each spoke represents a different aspect of social connectedness.
One spoke represents how closed your social network is. Some people prefer a fairly closed system of interaction. They are very close to their family of origin and keep in contact with extended family as well. The friends they have outside of their relations are often people they’ve known for a very long time--from college, high school or even kids they met at the National Spelling Bee in fifth grade. The more open your system, the more diverse your friends are and the more people you come into contact with and develop relationships with. The more open your system, the longer the spoke.
The second spoke represents how much of a homebody you are. Would you rather stay in on the weekend or have a party or two to attend? When you go to a party, do you enjoy hanging around with the people you already know, or do you prefer talking to people you haven’t met before? Would you rather entertain in your own home, or go to someone else’s? The more of a social butterfly you are, the longer this spoke is.
The third spoke represents how much alone time you need. Do you prefer living alone to living with a roommate? Do you need a bit of peace and quiet and no social interaction when you first come home from work? The more alone time you need, the shorter your spoke.
The last spoke represents your level of independence versus interdependence. Do you prefer to complete work projects by yourself or with a group or committee? Would you rather fix the toilet by yourself or have a friend join you? If you’re trying to lose weight, do you do it quietly by yourself, or do you need someone to encourage and/or keep you accountable? The more independent you are, the shorter this spoke is.
The more similar you are along each of these spokes, the less you have to deal with the pursuer-distancer dance. If you both enjoy the same amount of alone time, together time and social time, then neither of you will feel suffocated by the other (the pursuer) and neither of you will feel alienated by the other (the distancer).
I'll be on hiatus for the next two weeks, but when I return, I'll discuss another Life Value, The Meaning of Life.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Security vs.Freedom, What to Look For?
If you tend toward the predictable in your own life, you’ll want to look for the following in a potential girlfriend:
*Financial security: has no credit-card debt, has a stable job in a readily employable career, owns a house/condo.
*Calm demeanor: meditates, is in a job where she uses listening skills (therapist, mediator, judge, teacher).
*Planning: keeps a personal calendar, makes lists.
If you tend towards the spontaneous, you’ll want to look for the following in a potential girlfriend:
*Bubbly personality: emotionally expressive, gesticulates when she talks.
*Spontaneity: introduces friends to new restaurants, foods, music and people; is involved with new projects whenever you see her.
*Flexibility: doesn’t stay at a job for more than a couple of years, changes cars and apartments as often, manages to have the time/money to take long vacations/compete in a sailing race/volunteer overseas for the summer.
Next: Connectedness vs. Independence
*Financial security: has no credit-card debt, has a stable job in a readily employable career, owns a house/condo.
*Calm demeanor: meditates, is in a job where she uses listening skills (therapist, mediator, judge, teacher).
*Planning: keeps a personal calendar, makes lists.
If you tend towards the spontaneous, you’ll want to look for the following in a potential girlfriend:
*Bubbly personality: emotionally expressive, gesticulates when she talks.
*Spontaneity: introduces friends to new restaurants, foods, music and people; is involved with new projects whenever you see her.
*Flexibility: doesn’t stay at a job for more than a couple of years, changes cars and apartments as often, manages to have the time/money to take long vacations/compete in a sailing race/volunteer overseas for the summer.
Next: Connectedness vs. Independence
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Security vs. Freedom
For a long-term relationship to work, you'll want to share your basic life values. Among those basic life values is whether you prefer security or freedom.
People who prefer security to freedom gravitate to jobs that offer good benefits and employment stability. They have an emergency fund in the bank. They love planning for events, vacations and projects. More often than not, they know what they are doing on the weekend before the weekend comes. Your anal geek.
Those who prefer freedom move from job to job fairly often. They care less about the benefits and stability of the job than enjoying the work, the people and having flexibility--flexibility in scheduling and flexibility to develop the job in different directions than originally foreseen. They would rather arrive in a city with no hotel reservation and no plan. Your entrepreneurial geek.
Of course, a security-lover can find a spontaneous person very exciting to be with for a period of time. In fact, it would probably be very fun for a tight-ass to date a freedom-lover for a while. But if you really are at extreme ends on this scale, over the long run it won’t work. What happens when one of you wants to quit her job and move to Bangladesh? Or what if she wants to spend your emergency fund on a tropical vacation or a business idea that has a very uncertain outcome?
No one falls completely on either end of the spectrum. And you may be more free and spontaneous in your work life but fairly rigid in your personal life. Or the opposite could be true. Maybe you love buying last-minute plane tickets for a long weekend in San Francisco and throwing spontaneous dinner parties but you’ve been at your government job for ten years and love having a pension you’ll be able to count on. Generally, though, people favor one side of the spectrum.
Which side do you fall on? Not which do you want to fall on. Be honest.
Not that you can’t be with someone who is more spontaneous than you are (or more secure), but a large difference in this area will not work in a marriage.
Up on Friday: what to look for in a date if your a security-lover, and what to look for if you're a freedom-lover.
People who prefer security to freedom gravitate to jobs that offer good benefits and employment stability. They have an emergency fund in the bank. They love planning for events, vacations and projects. More often than not, they know what they are doing on the weekend before the weekend comes. Your anal geek.
Those who prefer freedom move from job to job fairly often. They care less about the benefits and stability of the job than enjoying the work, the people and having flexibility--flexibility in scheduling and flexibility to develop the job in different directions than originally foreseen. They would rather arrive in a city with no hotel reservation and no plan. Your entrepreneurial geek.
Of course, a security-lover can find a spontaneous person very exciting to be with for a period of time. In fact, it would probably be very fun for a tight-ass to date a freedom-lover for a while. But if you really are at extreme ends on this scale, over the long run it won’t work. What happens when one of you wants to quit her job and move to Bangladesh? Or what if she wants to spend your emergency fund on a tropical vacation or a business idea that has a very uncertain outcome?
No one falls completely on either end of the spectrum. And you may be more free and spontaneous in your work life but fairly rigid in your personal life. Or the opposite could be true. Maybe you love buying last-minute plane tickets for a long weekend in San Francisco and throwing spontaneous dinner parties but you’ve been at your government job for ten years and love having a pension you’ll be able to count on. Generally, though, people favor one side of the spectrum.
Which side do you fall on? Not which do you want to fall on. Be honest.
Not that you can’t be with someone who is more spontaneous than you are (or more secure), but a large difference in this area will not work in a marriage.
Up on Friday: what to look for in a date if your a security-lover, and what to look for if you're a freedom-lover.
Friday, August 6, 2010
What Do You Really Want?
Why am I addressing this so far along in the blog? Why did I not address it right off? Because what you want does not matter. At least not when you’re first dating. But as you progress along in your dating prowess, at some point you will be looking for The One and then you will want to be more choosy. And when that time comes (give it at least a year of dating practice,) you do need to be clear about what values are important to you and what you want in a woman.
So stop reading now and make a list of the traits of your ideal woman.
Done? Okay, that was probably pretty easy to do. Now ask yourself: is your list realistic? Do *you* have the traits you’re looking for in a woman? If you don’t possess a lot of them, why would the woman you’ve described be interested in you? Your partner is not going to “complete” you or make up for the things you suck at.
Does your description of your ideal women take into account your basic values? A person who is a good match can be very different from you on the surface. She might not read or watch sci-fi or even know the difference between fantasy and sci-fi. She might, God forbid, have a degree in English and have satisfied her college science requirement by taking “Chemistry for Humanities Majors.” Geeks tend to eliminate possibles based on superficial preferences, like having arcane knowledge about twentieth-century nuclear physicists, grieving the passing of Gary Gygax or being a Farscape fan. But it’s actually desirable to be “opposites” in surface ways. What a good match should have in common with you are your basic life values, not necessarily your preference in leisure activities. Having some separate interests allows you to retain your individuality and get some time apart while you engage in your hobbies, and it also means you can stretch each other and teach each other new things if your areas of interest are different. But you do want your underlying values to be the same if you want to stay together in the long term.
Next time: I'll begin discussing basic life values, starting with "Security versus Freedom."
So stop reading now and make a list of the traits of your ideal woman.
Done? Okay, that was probably pretty easy to do. Now ask yourself: is your list realistic? Do *you* have the traits you’re looking for in a woman? If you don’t possess a lot of them, why would the woman you’ve described be interested in you? Your partner is not going to “complete” you or make up for the things you suck at.
Does your description of your ideal women take into account your basic values? A person who is a good match can be very different from you on the surface. She might not read or watch sci-fi or even know the difference between fantasy and sci-fi. She might, God forbid, have a degree in English and have satisfied her college science requirement by taking “Chemistry for Humanities Majors.” Geeks tend to eliminate possibles based on superficial preferences, like having arcane knowledge about twentieth-century nuclear physicists, grieving the passing of Gary Gygax or being a Farscape fan. But it’s actually desirable to be “opposites” in surface ways. What a good match should have in common with you are your basic life values, not necessarily your preference in leisure activities. Having some separate interests allows you to retain your individuality and get some time apart while you engage in your hobbies, and it also means you can stretch each other and teach each other new things if your areas of interest are different. But you do want your underlying values to be the same if you want to stay together in the long term.
Next time: I'll begin discussing basic life values, starting with "Security versus Freedom."
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Fighting Wrapup
The Least You Can Do:
Identify your fighting style. Are you a Yielder? an Avoider? a Debater? a Winner? or a Compromiser?
Reflect back on your last week or month and identify a problem you have with someone that needs to be resolved. And then practice conflict resolution with someone with whom it’s less threatening to do so than an intimate partner, such as a parent, co-worker or sibling.
Identify your hot buttons. And realize that’s *your* issue, not hers. If shoes left under the coffee table send you into a tizzy, that’s your problem--not hers for leaving them there.
Honor Student:
Get assertiveness training.
On Friday, I'll start blogging about figuring out what it is you really want in a woman--and figuring out what it is women really want.
Identify your fighting style. Are you a Yielder? an Avoider? a Debater? a Winner? or a Compromiser?
Reflect back on your last week or month and identify a problem you have with someone that needs to be resolved. And then practice conflict resolution with someone with whom it’s less threatening to do so than an intimate partner, such as a parent, co-worker or sibling.
Identify your hot buttons. And realize that’s *your* issue, not hers. If shoes left under the coffee table send you into a tizzy, that’s your problem--not hers for leaving them there.
Honor Student:
Get assertiveness training.
On Friday, I'll start blogging about figuring out what it is you really want in a woman--and figuring out what it is women really want.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Breaking Up
What if this really is the end?
Do it in person. Never break up over the phone or via email. I’m not talking about a one date “relationship.” In that case, the phone or email--or even never calling her back--is fine because it’s not a breakup since you were never really together. It’s the coward’s way out, though, not to do it face to face if you did have a relationship. Also you’ll never get your key, muffin pan or favorite t-shirt back unless you do it in person.
Don’t break up in the middle of a fight when emotions are running high. It leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and you’ll feel like a jerk tomorrow.
Don’t start the conversation with “I think we should break up.” It’s jolting even if she’s been thinking the same thing. Start with something like “I’ve been thinking about our relationship,” or “Can we talk about where things are going for us?” This gives her the opportunity to come to the mutual agreement that things would be best if you went your separate ways. No one likes to feel she was dumped. Better that you both walk away feeling it was mutual.
No need to list the character faults that repulsed you, but do leave her with some explanation, especially if the break up comes as a surprise to her. Make some kind of general (but true) statement about why you’re not happy with the relationship. “I’m not interested in getting particularly serious at this point in my life.” Or “Our living habits are so different we wouldn’t be compatible living together.” Do not say “You wouldn’t want to live with me because I’m such a slob” because she can argue with that. And do not say “You are so disgustingly slovenly I can’t imagine living with you.” It may be true but it’s also unnecessarily hurtful.
If you both want to continue to be friends, that’s fine. But make sure that’s what you both really want, and make sure you aren’t staying in each other’s lives as a way of dragging out the relationship or giving the other person false hopes.
Next time: Fighting Wrapup
Do it in person. Never break up over the phone or via email. I’m not talking about a one date “relationship.” In that case, the phone or email--or even never calling her back--is fine because it’s not a breakup since you were never really together. It’s the coward’s way out, though, not to do it face to face if you did have a relationship. Also you’ll never get your key, muffin pan or favorite t-shirt back unless you do it in person.
Don’t break up in the middle of a fight when emotions are running high. It leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and you’ll feel like a jerk tomorrow.
Don’t start the conversation with “I think we should break up.” It’s jolting even if she’s been thinking the same thing. Start with something like “I’ve been thinking about our relationship,” or “Can we talk about where things are going for us?” This gives her the opportunity to come to the mutual agreement that things would be best if you went your separate ways. No one likes to feel she was dumped. Better that you both walk away feeling it was mutual.
No need to list the character faults that repulsed you, but do leave her with some explanation, especially if the break up comes as a surprise to her. Make some kind of general (but true) statement about why you’re not happy with the relationship. “I’m not interested in getting particularly serious at this point in my life.” Or “Our living habits are so different we wouldn’t be compatible living together.” Do not say “You wouldn’t want to live with me because I’m such a slob” because she can argue with that. And do not say “You are so disgustingly slovenly I can’t imagine living with you.” It may be true but it’s also unnecessarily hurtful.
If you both want to continue to be friends, that’s fine. But make sure that’s what you both really want, and make sure you aren’t staying in each other’s lives as a way of dragging out the relationship or giving the other person false hopes.
Next time: Fighting Wrapup
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
What are fights about?
Fights are often not about what they appear to be about at first glance. Does it drive you nuts when your partner corrects your pronunciation--even when she’s right (which she always is)? What is that about? Does it bug you because being wrong in the household you grew up in meant that you were stupid? Or did your family correct each other with sarcasm and demeaning comments, rather than correcting to be helpful? When you notice yourself getting angry or hurt, ask why the behavior or comment of the other person bothers you. (Hint: it’s not because she is an asshole. Which she may be. But that’s not relevant.)
Sometimes fighting about not taking out the garbage is about the annoyance of the stinky, over-filled trash can, but sometimes it’s really about how your partner interprets the garbage. She may not say “You didn’t take out the garbage so I know you don’t care about me.” She may refrain from saying it because she doesn’t want to admit how hurt she is and she knows intellectually that it’s ridiculous to let it bother her that much. But that may be exactly what she is feeling (that you don't care about her because you didn't take out the garbage). If there is a lot of emotion from her or you on a topic that, from the outside, seems silly to be so wrought up about, figure out what the fight is *really* about because it ain’t about the garbage. It’s something deeper. Ask yourself and her: what does the garbage symbolize? Lack of ambition in life? Inconsideration? Absence of true love? Sounds silly, but then why are you yelling about the garbage? These "silly" arguments are going to keep coming up if you don't at the root of the real issue.
But what if this isn't just a fight? What if this really is the end?
Up next: How to Break Up
Sometimes fighting about not taking out the garbage is about the annoyance of the stinky, over-filled trash can, but sometimes it’s really about how your partner interprets the garbage. She may not say “You didn’t take out the garbage so I know you don’t care about me.” She may refrain from saying it because she doesn’t want to admit how hurt she is and she knows intellectually that it’s ridiculous to let it bother her that much. But that may be exactly what she is feeling (that you don't care about her because you didn't take out the garbage). If there is a lot of emotion from her or you on a topic that, from the outside, seems silly to be so wrought up about, figure out what the fight is *really* about because it ain’t about the garbage. It’s something deeper. Ask yourself and her: what does the garbage symbolize? Lack of ambition in life? Inconsideration? Absence of true love? Sounds silly, but then why are you yelling about the garbage? These "silly" arguments are going to keep coming up if you don't at the root of the real issue.
But what if this isn't just a fight? What if this really is the end?
Up next: How to Break Up
Friday, July 23, 2010
More Notes on Fighting
Keep in mind:
(1) No fight, except maybe some fights between Compromisers, will follow all of the rules set out in the last few posts. You will almost never get a fight right. And that’s okay. You always get a second chance to make the fight right. Don’t avoid the touchy subject because it caused a fight that had no resolution. It can be hard to bring the topic up again later when you’ve calmed down and no longer feel the overwhelming emotional need to vent, but you need to address it again later if the issue was not resolved. Take the second chance. Bring the issue up again under better circumstances and resolve it (if you can).
(2) People exaggerate and overgeneralize their accusations and complaints during fights, especially if the complaint has been stored up for a long time. So don’t get distracted or offended by the extreme way the complaint is being lodged. Listen for the truth in what she is saying. Don’t dismiss the complaint because it was overstated.
(3) The relationship isn’t over if you fight. How many times have opposing protons smashed into each other in the Hadron Collider? Millions. Billions. And no black hole has been created. Yet. That we know of. I don’t know of any relationship that ended because of one bad fight. Fighting is a good sign. If you agree all the time, one or the other or both of you are not getting to express your individuality. If you haven’t had a fight in the first year, either there is something wrong or you’re both Avoiders, which is fine but you *both* have to be Avoiders.
And the relationship isn’t necessarily over if the issue about which you were fighting does not get resolved. Some problems are not resolvable. This doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work. Ask any couple who has been married for more than five years (under five years and they’ll lie). Every couple has at least one area of conflict about which they do not agree and can not come to resolution on. They may be forced to compromise, but that does not mean the problem has ceased to exist. Examples of these kinds of irresolvable conflicts? Being at opposite ends of the continuum on desired frequency of sex. Being a neat freak paired with a slob. Being religious and wanting the other one to participate when the partner is an atheist. No one is changing his/her mind. And no one’s behavior is going to change radically. The slob will never be neat enough, and the neat freak will never be relaxed around messes. You’ve got to decide which irresolvable problems you’re willing to live with and which are deal breakers.
Up next: What are fights really about anyway?
(1) No fight, except maybe some fights between Compromisers, will follow all of the rules set out in the last few posts. You will almost never get a fight right. And that’s okay. You always get a second chance to make the fight right. Don’t avoid the touchy subject because it caused a fight that had no resolution. It can be hard to bring the topic up again later when you’ve calmed down and no longer feel the overwhelming emotional need to vent, but you need to address it again later if the issue was not resolved. Take the second chance. Bring the issue up again under better circumstances and resolve it (if you can).
(2) People exaggerate and overgeneralize their accusations and complaints during fights, especially if the complaint has been stored up for a long time. So don’t get distracted or offended by the extreme way the complaint is being lodged. Listen for the truth in what she is saying. Don’t dismiss the complaint because it was overstated.
(3) The relationship isn’t over if you fight. How many times have opposing protons smashed into each other in the Hadron Collider? Millions. Billions. And no black hole has been created. Yet. That we know of. I don’t know of any relationship that ended because of one bad fight. Fighting is a good sign. If you agree all the time, one or the other or both of you are not getting to express your individuality. If you haven’t had a fight in the first year, either there is something wrong or you’re both Avoiders, which is fine but you *both* have to be Avoiders.
And the relationship isn’t necessarily over if the issue about which you were fighting does not get resolved. Some problems are not resolvable. This doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work. Ask any couple who has been married for more than five years (under five years and they’ll lie). Every couple has at least one area of conflict about which they do not agree and can not come to resolution on. They may be forced to compromise, but that does not mean the problem has ceased to exist. Examples of these kinds of irresolvable conflicts? Being at opposite ends of the continuum on desired frequency of sex. Being a neat freak paired with a slob. Being religious and wanting the other one to participate when the partner is an atheist. No one is changing his/her mind. And no one’s behavior is going to change radically. The slob will never be neat enough, and the neat freak will never be relaxed around messes. You’ve got to decide which irresolvable problems you’re willing to live with and which are deal breakers.
Up next: What are fights really about anyway?
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