More translations from the Woman-to-Geek Dictionary…
“What do you say you take a break from the computer and we go and get some dinner?” = “Turn that fricking thing off and pay attention to me already!”
“I don’t like it when you… .” = “Don’t do that. Ever.”
If she asks some kind of random question that seems out of the blue (like “What did you want to be when you grew up?” or “If you went on a game show, which one would it be?”), unless you’re at a speed dating event, she is probably getting ready to psychoanalyze what you say. But you knew that already, right? Which is why you always respond to such questions with non-answers. Wrong answer. If you avoid answering it, or ask “Why do you want to know?,” those responses put you in a more negative light than just about any real answer you could give. Not answering says to a woman that you are emotionally shut down and unavailable. A “Why?” response will be interpreted as paranoia. You aren’t avoiding the “trick” of the question by not answering. This may come as a surprise to most men, but those types of questions are not “tricks.” Nor are they directed at psychoanalyzing you in order to diagnose you--unless you don’t answer the question, then, as I said earlier, you will be charged with paranoia and emotional shutdown. She isn’t trying to get you to reveal something you don’t want to reveal. She isn’t looking for chinks in your armor to then criticize behind your back with her friends. You should be flattered she asked. It means she wants the relationship to become more emotionally intimate but isn’t sure how to bring your conversation to a deeper level.
If you’ve been in the relationship for a while (a year or so) and she needs to replace her refrigerator, stereo, washing machine, etc. and she keeps procrastinating doing so or asks for a lot of your input on the fridge (as if you cared), it’s not because she can’t pick a large durable good on her own. And it’s not because she’s indecisive. The question in her mind is: why spend a bunch of money on a new stereo when you have a really good one and the two of you together do not need more than one? Hint. Hint. She’s trying to figure out how to broach the topic of living together and/or getting married, but she hasn’t figured out how explicit she wants to be. Major appliance purchases aren’t just major appliance purchases. Sometimes they are about one’s emotional future. At least for a woman.
And after all these blog posts dealing with translations, why, you ask, can’t women just be direct? I’ll answer this on Friday!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Woman-to-Geek Dictionary, Part Four
So I’ve covered the one issue of interested/not interested, but what about all the other ambiguous behaviors and phrases of women? For the most part, translation becomes easier the further you get into a relationship. I mean, we are adults here, right? If you don’t know what your girlfriend means, you can ask.
However, there are those times when a woman is trying to communicate something and it doesn’t even occur to the man she’s with that she *is* trying to communicate anything other than what her literal words say. And for these instances, the women of the world will appreciate my bringing them to your attention and translating.
“I don’t know if we should.” = “I don’t want to.” Uncertainty is certainty in the negative direction.
“I don’t know (where I want to go to dinner, which movie to see, etc.).” = “I do know but I’m deferring to you.” She’s being polite. If she really doesn’t know and this happens all the time, I would wonder how much of a sense of herself she has if she never knows what she wants. I’d also worry if she says this all the time and when pressed reveals that she does have an opinion. Why is she so unsure of herself that she can never share her preferences? Sounds like a martyr. Sounds like resentment down the road.
If she asks you if you like something that she clearly likes and she doesn’t say she wants your real opinion, she wants you to agree with her. Now I’m not advocating lying when you really don’t like something. And I’m not advocating hiding your true self and your true opinions. But hate and dislike of something is never the whole story. And hate and dislike are usually the lazy person’s response. The culture of the Internet that you love so much is about negativity and tearing down and attacking, and you really need to move away from that approach to the world. Seeing the positive is so much more creative and interesting. It’s easy to say what’s terrible about a Michael Bay movie. It’s much harder to say what’s good about it. So if the woman you’re with asks your opinion about something or someone you know she likes, address the positive first. Say what you appreciate about soap operas, the weird color she dyed her hair, her annoying friend from high school. If she presses for more, then she’s inviting criticism, so go ahead. But don’t start with the negative. It’s an Internet habit that you need to unlearn.
If she talks about her ex-boyfriend all the time, she is not ready to get involved in general and not with you in particular. If she really is interested in you, but is still hung up on her ex-boyfriend, she would make more effort to cover up her obsession with the old boyfriend.
“Take off your coat. Would you like a glass of wine?” = The evening has potential. If she invites you in as you’re dropping her off or when you go to pick her up, this is a sign that she is letting you in, literally and symbolically.
“I’m cold.” = “Put your arm around me.”
If she offers you a back rub, she wants to put her hands all over you in a “safe” environment. She is attracted to you physically but isn’t necessarily ready to engage physically with you in an outright sexual manner. If she puts her face close to you as she’s rubbing your back or wraps her legs around you from behind as she massages your shoulders, you’re an idiot if you don’t take advantage of this situation. She wants you to.
Up on Tuesday: More Translations
However, there are those times when a woman is trying to communicate something and it doesn’t even occur to the man she’s with that she *is* trying to communicate anything other than what her literal words say. And for these instances, the women of the world will appreciate my bringing them to your attention and translating.
“I don’t know if we should.” = “I don’t want to.” Uncertainty is certainty in the negative direction.
“I don’t know (where I want to go to dinner, which movie to see, etc.).” = “I do know but I’m deferring to you.” She’s being polite. If she really doesn’t know and this happens all the time, I would wonder how much of a sense of herself she has if she never knows what she wants. I’d also worry if she says this all the time and when pressed reveals that she does have an opinion. Why is she so unsure of herself that she can never share her preferences? Sounds like a martyr. Sounds like resentment down the road.
If she asks you if you like something that she clearly likes and she doesn’t say she wants your real opinion, she wants you to agree with her. Now I’m not advocating lying when you really don’t like something. And I’m not advocating hiding your true self and your true opinions. But hate and dislike of something is never the whole story. And hate and dislike are usually the lazy person’s response. The culture of the Internet that you love so much is about negativity and tearing down and attacking, and you really need to move away from that approach to the world. Seeing the positive is so much more creative and interesting. It’s easy to say what’s terrible about a Michael Bay movie. It’s much harder to say what’s good about it. So if the woman you’re with asks your opinion about something or someone you know she likes, address the positive first. Say what you appreciate about soap operas, the weird color she dyed her hair, her annoying friend from high school. If she presses for more, then she’s inviting criticism, so go ahead. But don’t start with the negative. It’s an Internet habit that you need to unlearn.
If she talks about her ex-boyfriend all the time, she is not ready to get involved in general and not with you in particular. If she really is interested in you, but is still hung up on her ex-boyfriend, she would make more effort to cover up her obsession with the old boyfriend.
“Take off your coat. Would you like a glass of wine?” = The evening has potential. If she invites you in as you’re dropping her off or when you go to pick her up, this is a sign that she is letting you in, literally and symbolically.
“I’m cold.” = “Put your arm around me.”
If she offers you a back rub, she wants to put her hands all over you in a “safe” environment. She is attracted to you physically but isn’t necessarily ready to engage physically with you in an outright sexual manner. If she puts her face close to you as she’s rubbing your back or wraps her legs around you from behind as she massages your shoulders, you’re an idiot if you don’t take advantage of this situation. She wants you to.
Up on Tuesday: More Translations
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Woman-to-Geek Dictionary, Part Three
A couple more signs she’s interested that I forgot to include last week:
She laughs at all your jokes. No, you are not that funny, so this is a pretty good indicator.
And, of course, the old leaning-so-you-can-see-down-her-shirt move.
And now…
Clues She Isn’t Interested
You suspect she isn’t interested.
You’re not sure if she’s interested and you’ve discussed whether she is or isn’t interested with more than one other person.
She says “I don't feel comfortable giving you my number.” This means “Please don't ask me a third time. Also, quit talking to me.”
She says she will call (or makes any kind of promise, small or large) and doesn’t follow through.
She says "Actually, I'm busy tonight. And this weekend. And next week."
She makes long excuse stories for why she hasn’t called you, including “I’ve been so busy at work/with the holidays/my parents’ visit” and “I moved last weekend.” I am not suggesting that she is lying about being busy or having moved, but if she’s interested, those things would not matter. She would have called.
She takes a long time calling you back. A long time is more than two days.
“I just want to be friends” = “I just want to be friends.”
She says “You remind me of my brother.” This means she does not like you *that* way. Unless her family was really weird.
She turns you into a friend. This is concretely manifested by the following: you go out on group outings instead of one-on-one dates; she talks about other guys (ones she’s interested in or not); she brings up women she thinks you would like; she talks about future plans, trips and events she’s going to without including you or finding out what you’re doing then.
Up on Friday: More Translations from the Woman-to-Geek Dictionary
She laughs at all your jokes. No, you are not that funny, so this is a pretty good indicator.
And, of course, the old leaning-so-you-can-see-down-her-shirt move.
And now…
Clues She Isn’t Interested
You suspect she isn’t interested.
You’re not sure if she’s interested and you’ve discussed whether she is or isn’t interested with more than one other person.
She says “I don't feel comfortable giving you my number.” This means “Please don't ask me a third time. Also, quit talking to me.”
She says she will call (or makes any kind of promise, small or large) and doesn’t follow through.
She says "Actually, I'm busy tonight. And this weekend. And next week."
She makes long excuse stories for why she hasn’t called you, including “I’ve been so busy at work/with the holidays/my parents’ visit” and “I moved last weekend.” I am not suggesting that she is lying about being busy or having moved, but if she’s interested, those things would not matter. She would have called.
She takes a long time calling you back. A long time is more than two days.
“I just want to be friends” = “I just want to be friends.”
She says “You remind me of my brother.” This means she does not like you *that* way. Unless her family was really weird.
She turns you into a friend. This is concretely manifested by the following: you go out on group outings instead of one-on-one dates; she talks about other guys (ones she’s interested in or not); she brings up women she thinks you would like; she talks about future plans, trips and events she’s going to without including you or finding out what you’re doing then.
Up on Friday: More Translations from the Woman-to-Geek Dictionary
Friday, May 7, 2010
Woman-to-Geek Dictionary, Part Two
More Clues She’s Interested
She reveals personal details early on. Personal details might include emotional events like her parents’ divorce or her last breakup or personal information, such as where she lives. ‘Early on’ is within the first three dates. But don’t put a lot of stock in this one. Some women are naturally very open with anyone about their lives. So look for this clue in conjunction with others.
She initiates contact. She calls you. Calling you back does not count as initiation. Don’t always initiate the first email, the first phone call. Give her a chance to show some effort and you will have a better idea where you stand.
She responds right away to your calls and/or emails. Right away is within 24 hours.
She gives you her home phone number or personal cell number. Or gives you her personal email address--not a crappy hotmail or yahoo account, which she uses for junk mail. But again this is an iffy sign as some women give out personal contact information to anyone.
“I like your tie.” = “I think you’re kind of cute.”
Her pupils dilate when she talks to you. Just be sure that she isn’t a drug addict. Most drugs and alcohol will dilate the pupils. (Heroin is an exception.)
She bats her eyelashes when interacting with you. Humans blink more when they are excited. This is an autonomic reaction and will not seem like the classic, overly dramatic batting of the eyelashes.
She touches or flips her hair.
She makes direct, sustained eye contact.
She wears makeup and cute outfits when you go out. But women are vain and often dress for other women, not the men they are with, so this could be meaningless…
Up on Tuesday: Clues She is Not Interested
She reveals personal details early on. Personal details might include emotional events like her parents’ divorce or her last breakup or personal information, such as where she lives. ‘Early on’ is within the first three dates. But don’t put a lot of stock in this one. Some women are naturally very open with anyone about their lives. So look for this clue in conjunction with others.
She initiates contact. She calls you. Calling you back does not count as initiation. Don’t always initiate the first email, the first phone call. Give her a chance to show some effort and you will have a better idea where you stand.
She responds right away to your calls and/or emails. Right away is within 24 hours.
She gives you her home phone number or personal cell number. Or gives you her personal email address--not a crappy hotmail or yahoo account, which she uses for junk mail. But again this is an iffy sign as some women give out personal contact information to anyone.
“I like your tie.” = “I think you’re kind of cute.”
Her pupils dilate when she talks to you. Just be sure that she isn’t a drug addict. Most drugs and alcohol will dilate the pupils. (Heroin is an exception.)
She bats her eyelashes when interacting with you. Humans blink more when they are excited. This is an autonomic reaction and will not seem like the classic, overly dramatic batting of the eyelashes.
She touches or flips her hair.
She makes direct, sustained eye contact.
She wears makeup and cute outfits when you go out. But women are vain and often dress for other women, not the men they are with, so this could be meaningless…
Up on Tuesday: Clues She is Not Interested
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Woman-to-Geek Dictionary, Part One
Women are complicated creatures. They look for symbolism, nuance, and secret messages in everything the men they are interested in do. This is not because men act in symbolic ways or give off nuanced or ambiguous messages, but because women act in symbolic ways and give off nuanced and ambiguous messages. Women assume that because they themselves do that, men will also. Hence the revelatory nature of the book He’s Just Not that Into You. At least it was a revelation to womankind.
Women also like to lie. Women tell themselves that they are being “nice” or “modest” but what they’re really doing is refusing to be adults and express clearly, and take responsibility for, what they want. In the one case, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying she isn’t interested and, in the other, she doesn’t want to get her own feelings hurt if you’re not interested in her. And this, as you may have already noticed, is why it is sometimes difficult to tell if a woman likes you. Unless she’s crazy infatuated with you, she is unlikely to flat out tell you she’s interested. And unless you are actively stalking her and it’s freaking her out, she’s unlikely to tell you she’s not interested. And even then, she might call a cop and have the police officer tell you for her.
So how to tell?
Some Clues that She Is Interested
She initiates touch. But pay attention. If she’s touching you on the arm or knee, that’s a pretty good indicator in your favor. But is she that type who hugs everyone? If so, then her touch is meaningless. Sorry.
Physical closeness. “Accidentally” bumping into you.
She smiles when you casually touch her. Let’s not be groping her at this stage. You don’t even know if she likes you. I’m talking about touching her on the shoulder in the course of conversation or touching her back to get around her at a crowded party, etc.
If she asks you “What is the difference between +10 Intelligence and +10 Wisdom?,” she really, really likes you.
Up on Friday: More Clues That She’s Interested
Women also like to lie. Women tell themselves that they are being “nice” or “modest” but what they’re really doing is refusing to be adults and express clearly, and take responsibility for, what they want. In the one case, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying she isn’t interested and, in the other, she doesn’t want to get her own feelings hurt if you’re not interested in her. And this, as you may have already noticed, is why it is sometimes difficult to tell if a woman likes you. Unless she’s crazy infatuated with you, she is unlikely to flat out tell you she’s interested. And unless you are actively stalking her and it’s freaking her out, she’s unlikely to tell you she’s not interested. And even then, she might call a cop and have the police officer tell you for her.
So how to tell?
Some Clues that She Is Interested
She initiates touch. But pay attention. If she’s touching you on the arm or knee, that’s a pretty good indicator in your favor. But is she that type who hugs everyone? If so, then her touch is meaningless. Sorry.
Physical closeness. “Accidentally” bumping into you.
She smiles when you casually touch her. Let’s not be groping her at this stage. You don’t even know if she likes you. I’m talking about touching her on the shoulder in the course of conversation or touching her back to get around her at a crowded party, etc.
If she asks you “What is the difference between +10 Intelligence and +10 Wisdom?,” she really, really likes you.
Up on Friday: More Clues That She’s Interested
Friday, April 30, 2010
Throwing a Singles Mixer, Part Four
Here’s a sample plan for throwing a party for the anal retentive among you.
Three Weeks Ahead.
*Draft a guest list and gather together the email addresses.
*Send out the invitation. Using Evite is an easy way and it will automatically send a reminder a few days before your event.
A Few Days Ahead.
*Plan your menu and make a grocery list.
*Grocery shop for the items that don’t need to be fresh.
*Pick up extra chairs, if needed.
The Day Before.
*Clean.
*Pick up grocery items that need to be fresh (bread, berries, etc.).
*Prep food that can be done beforehand.
*Dress tables and re-arrange furniture if necessary. Not that you’re necessarily the kind of guy that has throw pillows, but if you do (have them), get rid of the pillows for the duration of the party to allow for more seating.
*Set out an extra roll of toilet paper and clean hand towels.
*Stash valuables, prescriptions, firearms.
Half an Hour Before Party Time.
*Turn on the porch light if your party will extend into hours of darkness.
*Put on music. Set the volume so that someone sitting in the chair nearest a speaker won’t be distracted from the conversation.
*Set out food, and put ice in an ice bucket.
*Chill white wine in the fridge. Take out when the first guests arrive.
*Pre-mix a pitcher of martinis or other mixed drink.
*Set out any refrigerated alcoholic mixers or garnishes: grenadine, lime juice, lemons and limes (with a knife and cutting board), etc.
*Set out a book for mixing drinks if there's no bartender.
*Set out “conversation starters”: “The Book of Questions,” runes/tarot cards (you don’t have to believe any of that crap for it to be fun--get the stick out of your ass), board games, photos.
*Light candles, and turn on any indoor lights that are needed.
When Guests Arrive.
*Take their coats, and tell them where their coats will be located.
*Offer to make them a drink, and show them the lay of the land (where the food/bar is).
*Introduce them to the people who are there (when it’s a small group); if the group has gotten larger, tell the new guest about other attendees that she would be interested to know are there, such as a friend of hers or someone you think she would find interesting.
*Talk to everyone. As the host you have a good excuse to talk to everyone. As a shy person myself, I find hosting a party much easier than attending a party. It isn’t weird/rude for a host to join in (interrupt) any conversation (it *is* your house), and you can easily extricate yourself from dull conversations or dull people with your other host-ly duties. So introduce yourself to the people you don’t know. Ask how they know whomever they came with. An easy default is to talk about the food or drinks. And everyone likes flattery. For more advice on mingling see the blog posts called Moi? Boring? earlier this month as well as the blog posts called What to Say in December 2009 and January 2010.
And that’s all there is to it!
Up next week: Woman-to-Geek Dictionary, Part One
Three Weeks Ahead.
*Draft a guest list and gather together the email addresses.
*Send out the invitation. Using Evite is an easy way and it will automatically send a reminder a few days before your event.
A Few Days Ahead.
*Plan your menu and make a grocery list.
*Grocery shop for the items that don’t need to be fresh.
*Pick up extra chairs, if needed.
The Day Before.
*Clean.
*Pick up grocery items that need to be fresh (bread, berries, etc.).
*Prep food that can be done beforehand.
*Dress tables and re-arrange furniture if necessary. Not that you’re necessarily the kind of guy that has throw pillows, but if you do (have them), get rid of the pillows for the duration of the party to allow for more seating.
*Set out an extra roll of toilet paper and clean hand towels.
*Stash valuables, prescriptions, firearms.
Half an Hour Before Party Time.
*Turn on the porch light if your party will extend into hours of darkness.
*Put on music. Set the volume so that someone sitting in the chair nearest a speaker won’t be distracted from the conversation.
*Set out food, and put ice in an ice bucket.
*Chill white wine in the fridge. Take out when the first guests arrive.
*Pre-mix a pitcher of martinis or other mixed drink.
*Set out any refrigerated alcoholic mixers or garnishes: grenadine, lime juice, lemons and limes (with a knife and cutting board), etc.
*Set out a book for mixing drinks if there's no bartender.
*Set out “conversation starters”: “The Book of Questions,” runes/tarot cards (you don’t have to believe any of that crap for it to be fun--get the stick out of your ass), board games, photos.
*Light candles, and turn on any indoor lights that are needed.
When Guests Arrive.
*Take their coats, and tell them where their coats will be located.
*Offer to make them a drink, and show them the lay of the land (where the food/bar is).
*Introduce them to the people who are there (when it’s a small group); if the group has gotten larger, tell the new guest about other attendees that she would be interested to know are there, such as a friend of hers or someone you think she would find interesting.
*Talk to everyone. As the host you have a good excuse to talk to everyone. As a shy person myself, I find hosting a party much easier than attending a party. It isn’t weird/rude for a host to join in (interrupt) any conversation (it *is* your house), and you can easily extricate yourself from dull conversations or dull people with your other host-ly duties. So introduce yourself to the people you don’t know. Ask how they know whomever they came with. An easy default is to talk about the food or drinks. And everyone likes flattery. For more advice on mingling see the blog posts called Moi? Boring? earlier this month as well as the blog posts called What to Say in December 2009 and January 2010.
And that’s all there is to it!
Up next week: Woman-to-Geek Dictionary, Part One
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Throwing a Singles Mixer, Part Three
The Dos and Don’ts of Party Throwing
Don’ts
*If you decide to go for a theme (retro cocktail party, Hawaiian), don’t insist people dress for it. They’ll never do it unless your acquaintances tend to be especially ovine in their willingness to follow potentially embarrassing instructions (or you live in the Midwest).
*Don’t enforce board-game playing. Leave the games out on a table and let it evolve naturally.
*Don’t put out all the food at once with a long party. Don’t invite children to any party, much less a singles mixer!
*Don’t talk work with co-workers at your party.
*Don’t ignore anyone just because they are not a possible. You’re the host!
Dos
*Do have a place for coats.
*Do entertain with a friend or two to increase attendance, spread cost and allow you time off from hosting duty so you can flirt.
*Do ask guests to bring a dish to share.
*Do hire a bartender if you can afford it.
*Do let the hours of your party cross over times of day. For example, start in the afternoon and go into the evening. Your party is more likely to be attended. It allows people to drop in when they can around other social obligations they might have.
*Do have activities available: board games, group video games. This will keep people there longer, and allows you to get to know people in a way you can’t through conversation.
*Do ask friends to ask friends to ask friends and do invite family (cousins, siblings).
Next time: Planning Your Party
Don’ts
*If you decide to go for a theme (retro cocktail party, Hawaiian), don’t insist people dress for it. They’ll never do it unless your acquaintances tend to be especially ovine in their willingness to follow potentially embarrassing instructions (or you live in the Midwest).
*Don’t enforce board-game playing. Leave the games out on a table and let it evolve naturally.
*Don’t put out all the food at once with a long party. Don’t invite children to any party, much less a singles mixer!
*Don’t talk work with co-workers at your party.
*Don’t ignore anyone just because they are not a possible. You’re the host!
Dos
*Do have a place for coats.
*Do entertain with a friend or two to increase attendance, spread cost and allow you time off from hosting duty so you can flirt.
*Do ask guests to bring a dish to share.
*Do hire a bartender if you can afford it.
*Do let the hours of your party cross over times of day. For example, start in the afternoon and go into the evening. Your party is more likely to be attended. It allows people to drop in when they can around other social obligations they might have.
*Do have activities available: board games, group video games. This will keep people there longer, and allows you to get to know people in a way you can’t through conversation.
*Do ask friends to ask friends to ask friends and do invite family (cousins, siblings).
Next time: Planning Your Party
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
