Timing. People pick bad times to have fights as a protective measure. They start fights when the time will be limited (when the other person is on his way out the door to work or during the commercial break of a favorite TV show) so they know there is a definite end time to the discomfort of having a fight. Or they pick fights at social occasions because they know their partner won’t be a complete dick in front of other people. Or they pick fights right before bed when they are tired or after they have knocked back a few drinks, and their state of mind is relaxed and uninhibited enough to talk about things they are usually too afraid to bring up.
None of these is a good time to fight. But the problem with waiting for the perfect circumstance is that people have a tendency to talk themselves out of bringing up their grievances if they give themselves any amount of time to reflect. Sometimes fights have to be brought up in the “wrong” circumstances because otherwise the grievance wouldn’t get aired at all. Remember, though, that without enough time or energy or wits about you, the fight will not resolve. If you pick a fight at a bad time, you have to be willing to go back to it later to resolve it, otherwise the fight will be a dumping ground of bad feelings. And bad feelings spewed out without an airing of the other person’s “side” and without a resolution (even if that resolution is agreeing to disagree) breed resentment and hurt feelings.
A good time to fight (or revisit a fight started earlier) occurs when you have enough time to discuss both sides and come to a resolution. So not before bed, not when you have to be somewhere in fifteen minutes and not at a party.
If you give yourselves time to discuss thoroughly the issue you may find yourself in a full-blown fight, with your heart racing and your palms sweaty. If you are experiencing these physical symptoms, or you notice that your partner is, take a time out. Some people enjoy yelling and the intense emotion of a “good” fight, but most people get emotionally overloaded. And once you are emotionally overloaded, there is no point in continuing a conversation because, literally, you can not think correctly. Your heart rate is too high and too much adrenalin is pumping through your body for your brain to process language. Taking a time out doesn’t mean ending the conversation. It means asking for a break for fifteen or thirty minutes while you calm down. You might take a walk. But tell your partner what you’re doing or she might think you’re not coming back. You might write down the points you want to make. Do whatever you find that soothes you. But then come back to the table to finish the discussion. And honor her when she asks for a break. Don’t push to have resolution if she’s emotionally overloaded. Be patient.
Which leads into the next post: Soothing Yourself and Your Partner
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Fighting Styles Wrapup
The Compromiser. A pair of Compromisers are the classic “perfect” couple. They know how to listen to each other, validate the other person’s feelings, reflect what they hear accurately and are able to state their own feelings and desires in clear and direct ways. At the end of an argument, the couple comes together with a compromise, or one or the other partner yields, though the yielder is not the same person every time. The Compromiser wants to be with another Compromiser but can get along with a Yielder.
The plus: Each person feels heard and conflicts have resolutions.
The minus: Compromise and the best interest of the “couple” often get priority over the individual. Also the relationship may be missing a certain level of passion.
With the exception of the Winner (described on Tuesday), any of the styles I've written about in the last couple of posts is workable in a relationship, provided that your partner has the same or a compatible style and provided that you are willing to live with the minuses of that particular approach. The Winner, however, is a different matter. The level of control they need to have in their lives doesn’t allow for partnerships of equals. And most women these days, even if they are Yielders, want to be thought of as equal. And Yielders want to have their yielding considered a moral sacrifice of a kind and giving person, not a nod to the superior/correct partner by the inferior partner whose opinion is never right.
So if your style is the Winner, embrace being alone or change your ways. In a relationship you will sometimes (not always!) have to yield to the other person *even when you are right*. That is not a typo. I said “right.” And you will sometimes (not always!) have to apologize even when it was more (or all) her fault, not yours. Because sometimes an apology is not about who was right but about who was hurt. Because sometimes an apology is about the way something was said and not about the content of what was said. The question comes down to this: would you rather be right all the time or in a relationship? It’s your choice.
Up next time: The first in a series on How to Fight
The plus: Each person feels heard and conflicts have resolutions.
The minus: Compromise and the best interest of the “couple” often get priority over the individual. Also the relationship may be missing a certain level of passion.
With the exception of the Winner (described on Tuesday), any of the styles I've written about in the last couple of posts is workable in a relationship, provided that your partner has the same or a compatible style and provided that you are willing to live with the minuses of that particular approach. The Winner, however, is a different matter. The level of control they need to have in their lives doesn’t allow for partnerships of equals. And most women these days, even if they are Yielders, want to be thought of as equal. And Yielders want to have their yielding considered a moral sacrifice of a kind and giving person, not a nod to the superior/correct partner by the inferior partner whose opinion is never right.
So if your style is the Winner, embrace being alone or change your ways. In a relationship you will sometimes (not always!) have to yield to the other person *even when you are right*. That is not a typo. I said “right.” And you will sometimes (not always!) have to apologize even when it was more (or all) her fault, not yours. Because sometimes an apology is not about who was right but about who was hurt. Because sometimes an apology is about the way something was said and not about the content of what was said. The question comes down to this: would you rather be right all the time or in a relationship? It’s your choice.
Up next time: The first in a series on How to Fight
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Fighting Styles
The Debater. The Debater, a common style for the higher-functioning geek, likes to argue. He enjoys the fireworks, the mental challenge, the energy of a fight. Like the Compromiser, he is open and direct about what he thinks, feels and wants. Unlike the Compromiser, where resolution is the goal, the fight itself is the goal for a Debater. Conflicts don’t often get resolved with the Debater. Debaters get along with other Debaters, Compromisers and Yielders.
The plus: Passion and fireworks. And you always know where you stand with a Debater. Also, individuality does not get subsumed in intimate relationships between Debaters.
The minus: The individual will not bend for the benefit of the couple.
The Winner (subset of the Debater). The Avoider’s opposite, the Winner, is the second most common geek conflict style. The Winner is a subcategory of the more emotionally stable Debater. The Winner, like the Debater, relishes conflict in all arenas of his life, intellectual, emotional, at work, at home, with family, with friends, you name it. But unlike the Debater, who enjoys the process of argument, the Winner enjoys the end product of the argument only if he “wins.” All statements, particularly categorical ones, are up for debate, and conflict energizes him. The Winner, surprisingly, enjoys being with other Winners, especially initially. The insecure Winner also gets along with Yielders, but Yielders, though likely to stay with the relationship, won’t be happy over the long term in a relationship with a Winner. Winners also get along with Debaters--for a while anyway.
The plus: These relationships tend to be very passionate and Winners are very honest with their partners.
The minus: They are very honest with their partners… and they always have to win. Their partners tend to end up resenting them, and with any amount of ego development, those partners leave.
Up on Friday: Fighting style wrap-up.
The plus: Passion and fireworks. And you always know where you stand with a Debater. Also, individuality does not get subsumed in intimate relationships between Debaters.
The minus: The individual will not bend for the benefit of the couple.
The Winner (subset of the Debater). The Avoider’s opposite, the Winner, is the second most common geek conflict style. The Winner is a subcategory of the more emotionally stable Debater. The Winner, like the Debater, relishes conflict in all arenas of his life, intellectual, emotional, at work, at home, with family, with friends, you name it. But unlike the Debater, who enjoys the process of argument, the Winner enjoys the end product of the argument only if he “wins.” All statements, particularly categorical ones, are up for debate, and conflict energizes him. The Winner, surprisingly, enjoys being with other Winners, especially initially. The insecure Winner also gets along with Yielders, but Yielders, though likely to stay with the relationship, won’t be happy over the long term in a relationship with a Winner. Winners also get along with Debaters--for a while anyway.
The plus: These relationships tend to be very passionate and Winners are very honest with their partners.
The minus: They are very honest with their partners… and they always have to win. Their partners tend to end up resenting them, and with any amount of ego development, those partners leave.
Up on Friday: Fighting style wrap-up.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Save, or a Punch in the Face?
Geek culture has this weird dichotomy. On the one hand, geeks will directly take on a controversial intellectual topic, while, when it comes to emotional conflict, especially if it is in person and not online, geeks are Avoiders. Geeks can argue into the wee hours of the morning about the validity and relevance of string theory and can mercilessly nitpick someone’s grammar online all night long. But, God forbid, they should break the rule never to confront someone directly about a personal injury, particularly someone who is a friend. (The rule is more relaxed around people geeks have no emotional investment in.) And if such a confrontation does happen, it’s usually a one-sided accusation or a back and forth of monologues wherein neither person registers what the other person says or feels. Note: An emotional argument between friends or lovers is not a timed debate where your goal is to win and not be moved in any way by the arguments of the other side.
Know Your Fighting Style
The Avoider. This is the most common geek style in personal relationships. The Avoider withdraws from emotional conflict altogether. It is so uncomfortable for him, he would rather not express how he really feels or hear how the other person really feels if it means disagreement. He rarely, if ever, has conflicts with anyone, especially those close to him. This avoidant tendency works fine if he is in a relationship with another Avoider.
The plus: His intimate relationships are generally smooth sailing.
The minus: The relationships lack real emotional intimacy.
The Yielder (subset of the Avoider). Avoiders can become Yielders when not in partnership with another Avoider. For him, yielding is a way to avoid conflict, which he does by giving in. The Yielder is a strongly emotional person who is affected deeply by the emotions of those around him. He is empathetic and quickly sees the validity of the other person’s argument, and, at the expense of the validity of his own side in the argument, he yields to the other person’s point of view. This puts a stop to the discomfort that he feels about being in conflict and also puts an end to the discomfort of his partner, which the Yielder also feels because he’s such an empath. The Yielder gets along well with the Avoider and the Compromiser (addressed in a later post).
The plus: His partner feels very understood and accepted for who she is.
The minus: The Yielder is never really “known” since he puts his emotions and opinions second to his partner’s.
Up next time: More Fighting Styles
Know Your Fighting Style
The Avoider. This is the most common geek style in personal relationships. The Avoider withdraws from emotional conflict altogether. It is so uncomfortable for him, he would rather not express how he really feels or hear how the other person really feels if it means disagreement. He rarely, if ever, has conflicts with anyone, especially those close to him. This avoidant tendency works fine if he is in a relationship with another Avoider.
The plus: His intimate relationships are generally smooth sailing.
The minus: The relationships lack real emotional intimacy.
The Yielder (subset of the Avoider). Avoiders can become Yielders when not in partnership with another Avoider. For him, yielding is a way to avoid conflict, which he does by giving in. The Yielder is a strongly emotional person who is affected deeply by the emotions of those around him. He is empathetic and quickly sees the validity of the other person’s argument, and, at the expense of the validity of his own side in the argument, he yields to the other person’s point of view. This puts a stop to the discomfort that he feels about being in conflict and also puts an end to the discomfort of his partner, which the Yielder also feels because he’s such an empath. The Yielder gets along well with the Avoider and the Compromiser (addressed in a later post).
The plus: His partner feels very understood and accepted for who she is.
The minus: The Yielder is never really “known” since he puts his emotions and opinions second to his partner’s.
Up next time: More Fighting Styles
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sharing Your Life
If you are sleeping together, birth control and disease prevention are both of your responsibility. It’s not just up to her to use birth control. And if you *know* you don’t ever want to have children, get a vasectomy.
As you begin to spend more and more time together, you will become aware of the assumptions that you make about life that you didn’t even realize you were making. You will realize you make these assumptions because she will do something that violates your assumption, or rule, about how things are done in life. She’ll drip on your bathmat. You believe in completely drying off before stepping out of the shower. She believes that the purpose of a bathmat is to drip on it. It may never have even occurred to you that someone could think that way. She’ll talk about money and how much she makes and how she invests it. You will feel uncomfortable because you were taught, and still believe, that it’s tacky to discuss finances. But there are other ideas, legitimate ideas besides your own about how and when to talk about money. No one you date will have grown up with the same rules as you. (Unless you date your sister.)
Despite the fact that you think you have grown up and away from the ways your parents did things, you are very influenced by what was modeled to you growing up. Right now, list ten “rules” that you were taught growing up in your household from the superficial to the serious. Not the explicit rules, but the tacit rules that everyone abided by. Such as ‘The only emotion that is okay to express is anger’ or ‘What someone asks you to do, you do’ or ‘Leave the toilet seat and lid down when not in use,’ etc. Some of these rules when made explicit sound ridiculous or wrong or merely subjective. But you may still find yourself uncomfortable when they are broken. The longer you’re in an intimate relationship, the more you will understand that there is no “right” way to do things, and that compromise will be the rule of the day. Simply being conscious of these “rules” will help you be less rigid about them.
You will also discover as you spend more and more time together that she has some really annoying habits. So do you. You have to make a judgment call about what you bring up and what you choose to tolerate. In the next few posts, I’ll discuss conflict and how to fight.
The Least You Can Do:
Practice sharing space with someone. If you don’t have a roommate, invite an out of town guest to stay, or stay with them.
List your life “rules.” Make your assumptions explicit, from ‘Mom will pick up if I don’t’ to ‘Ordering dessert at a restaurant is a waste of money.’
As you begin to spend more and more time together, you will become aware of the assumptions that you make about life that you didn’t even realize you were making. You will realize you make these assumptions because she will do something that violates your assumption, or rule, about how things are done in life. She’ll drip on your bathmat. You believe in completely drying off before stepping out of the shower. She believes that the purpose of a bathmat is to drip on it. It may never have even occurred to you that someone could think that way. She’ll talk about money and how much she makes and how she invests it. You will feel uncomfortable because you were taught, and still believe, that it’s tacky to discuss finances. But there are other ideas, legitimate ideas besides your own about how and when to talk about money. No one you date will have grown up with the same rules as you. (Unless you date your sister.)
Despite the fact that you think you have grown up and away from the ways your parents did things, you are very influenced by what was modeled to you growing up. Right now, list ten “rules” that you were taught growing up in your household from the superficial to the serious. Not the explicit rules, but the tacit rules that everyone abided by. Such as ‘The only emotion that is okay to express is anger’ or ‘What someone asks you to do, you do’ or ‘Leave the toilet seat and lid down when not in use,’ etc. Some of these rules when made explicit sound ridiculous or wrong or merely subjective. But you may still find yourself uncomfortable when they are broken. The longer you’re in an intimate relationship, the more you will understand that there is no “right” way to do things, and that compromise will be the rule of the day. Simply being conscious of these “rules” will help you be less rigid about them.
You will also discover as you spend more and more time together that she has some really annoying habits. So do you. You have to make a judgment call about what you bring up and what you choose to tolerate. In the next few posts, I’ll discuss conflict and how to fight.
The Least You Can Do:
Practice sharing space with someone. If you don’t have a roommate, invite an out of town guest to stay, or stay with them.
List your life “rules.” Make your assumptions explicit, from ‘Mom will pick up if I don’t’ to ‘Ordering dessert at a restaurant is a waste of money.’
Friday, June 18, 2010
Sharing Space
Now that you are part of a couple, or potentially part of a couple, you need to keep in mind issues of sharing space and sharing decision-making.
You probably live alone and have lived alone since your days in the dorms. Not having a roommate is a good thing. It says to the women you date that you’re grown up, financially stable, etc.
It also breeds some bad habits. Like selfish control of the remote. Like only stocking food in your fridge that you like. Like leaving your porn out in plain sight. Like thinking it’s acceptable to wipe your boogers on the carpet because it’s beige. And a certain rigidity may have set in. Like never watching any TV shows that you don’t already like. And preferring things arranged a certain way in your bathroom. But if you’re going to be in a relationship, when you grocery shop, you need to take her into account. Even if you are not living together. And if she’s spending the night on a semi-regular basis, you need to make space for her in your bathroom and your bedroom. She will want to have a razor, some tampons and shampoo at the very least, so give her a shelf. And she will need a drawer in your bedroom for pajamas if nothing else.
Of course you like your set-up at home. You’ve got all your amenities. You’re comfortable there. But don’t always insist on going to your place. She likes her place, too. And it’s more convenient and comfortable for her to be at her place. Try to be even-handed about where you spend your time.
Do not ever give out a key to your house or apartment unless there is a really good reason to. Like you’re engaged. Like she’s pet sitting for you and you know she doesn’t have a criminal record. There’s almost no reason why another person needs to have a key to your place. Do your friends have keys? Okay, I stand corrected if your friends do. But listen very carefully to this: if you break up, the majority of the time you will not get your key back. She’ll forget. Or you’ll forget. Or she’ll dump you over the phone and never see you again. If you’re comfortable with that, feel free to hand out keys. Is she going to be insulted if you don’t let her have a key? Carrie on “Sex and the City” was, but she’s neurotic, insecure and self-centered.
Okay, so maybe she will.
I leave it to your judgment.
Up on Tuesday: Sharing Your Life
You probably live alone and have lived alone since your days in the dorms. Not having a roommate is a good thing. It says to the women you date that you’re grown up, financially stable, etc.
It also breeds some bad habits. Like selfish control of the remote. Like only stocking food in your fridge that you like. Like leaving your porn out in plain sight. Like thinking it’s acceptable to wipe your boogers on the carpet because it’s beige. And a certain rigidity may have set in. Like never watching any TV shows that you don’t already like. And preferring things arranged a certain way in your bathroom. But if you’re going to be in a relationship, when you grocery shop, you need to take her into account. Even if you are not living together. And if she’s spending the night on a semi-regular basis, you need to make space for her in your bathroom and your bedroom. She will want to have a razor, some tampons and shampoo at the very least, so give her a shelf. And she will need a drawer in your bedroom for pajamas if nothing else.
Of course you like your set-up at home. You’ve got all your amenities. You’re comfortable there. But don’t always insist on going to your place. She likes her place, too. And it’s more convenient and comfortable for her to be at her place. Try to be even-handed about where you spend your time.
Do not ever give out a key to your house or apartment unless there is a really good reason to. Like you’re engaged. Like she’s pet sitting for you and you know she doesn’t have a criminal record. There’s almost no reason why another person needs to have a key to your place. Do your friends have keys? Okay, I stand corrected if your friends do. But listen very carefully to this: if you break up, the majority of the time you will not get your key back. She’ll forget. Or you’ll forget. Or she’ll dump you over the phone and never see you again. If you’re comfortable with that, feel free to hand out keys. Is she going to be insulted if you don’t let her have a key? Carrie on “Sex and the City” was, but she’s neurotic, insecure and self-centered.
Okay, so maybe she will.
I leave it to your judgment.
Up on Tuesday: Sharing Your Life
Monday, June 14, 2010
Caring and Sharing: Money Matters
How Much to Spend on Gifts.
The first time you buy her a gift is tricky, especially if it’s for a holiday like Christmas where you will both be buying a present for each other. You don’t want to look like a cheapskate if she gives you much more than you got for her. And you don’t want to make her feel bad (or weird) by giving her more than she gives you. Early in a relationship, I suggest that a first gift for a birthday or Christmas not exceed $50 and should be only one item. If it’s Christmas where she is also giving you a gift and she spends less than you, it’s not so awkward if all you’ve given her is one item. And if she spends more than you, take her out to a nice restaurant and pay. Or take her to The Nutcracker or other holiday-related show.
Other Money Matters
Unless there is a very large discrepancy in your incomes, which happens only rarely, it should pretty much come out evenly. It may not always be a straight dollar-for-dollar exchange. Maybe you take her out to a nice dinner, and she cooks you a nice dinner at her house. That’s even. If you really want to go on an expensive vacation with her and you know or suspect she can’t afford it, it’s appropriate for you to offer to take more than half of the financial burden if you can afford to. How will you know she can’t afford something? Even if she keeps her money matters private, she’ll say “I can’t afford to do that right now.” And you should do the same: tell her if you can’t afford to fly to Hawaii. Don’t make a big deal out of it. She doesn’t necessarily need to know the ins and outs of your financial status and why you can’t afford to go.
Up on Friday: Sharing Space
The first time you buy her a gift is tricky, especially if it’s for a holiday like Christmas where you will both be buying a present for each other. You don’t want to look like a cheapskate if she gives you much more than you got for her. And you don’t want to make her feel bad (or weird) by giving her more than she gives you. Early in a relationship, I suggest that a first gift for a birthday or Christmas not exceed $50 and should be only one item. If it’s Christmas where she is also giving you a gift and she spends less than you, it’s not so awkward if all you’ve given her is one item. And if she spends more than you, take her out to a nice restaurant and pay. Or take her to The Nutcracker or other holiday-related show.
Other Money Matters
Unless there is a very large discrepancy in your incomes, which happens only rarely, it should pretty much come out evenly. It may not always be a straight dollar-for-dollar exchange. Maybe you take her out to a nice dinner, and she cooks you a nice dinner at her house. That’s even. If you really want to go on an expensive vacation with her and you know or suspect she can’t afford it, it’s appropriate for you to offer to take more than half of the financial burden if you can afford to. How will you know she can’t afford something? Even if she keeps her money matters private, she’ll say “I can’t afford to do that right now.” And you should do the same: tell her if you can’t afford to fly to Hawaii. Don’t make a big deal out of it. She doesn’t necessarily need to know the ins and outs of your financial status and why you can’t afford to go.
Up on Friday: Sharing Space
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