Connectedness vs. Independence

Another "life value" that you'll want to share in order to have long-term relationship success is your preference for connectedness.

This area can be represented as a wheel with a series of spokes of different lengths. When you overlay your wheel onto hers they should be close to identical. Each spoke represents a different aspect of social connectedness.

One spoke represents how closed your social network is. Some people prefer a fairly closed system of interaction. They are very close to their family of origin and keep in contact with extended family as well. The friends they have outside of their relations are often people they’ve known for a very long time--from college, high school or even kids they met at the National Spelling Bee in fifth grade. The more open your system, the more diverse your friends are and the more people you come into contact with and develop relationships with. The more open your system, the longer the spoke.

The second spoke represents how much of a homebody you are. Would you rather stay in on the weekend or have a party or two to attend? When you go to a party, do you enjoy hanging around with the people you already know, or do you prefer talking to people you haven’t met before? Would you rather entertain in your own home, or go to someone else’s? The more of a social butterfly you are, the longer this spoke is.

The third spoke represents how much alone time you need. Do you prefer living alone to living with a roommate? Do you need a bit of peace and quiet and no social interaction when you first come home from work? The more alone time you need, the shorter your spoke.

The last spoke represents your level of independence versus interdependence. Do you prefer to complete work projects by yourself or with a group or committee? Would you rather fix the toilet by yourself or have a friend join you? If you’re trying to lose weight, do you do it quietly by yourself, or do you need someone to encourage and/or keep you accountable? The more independent you are, the shorter this spoke is.

The more similar you are along each of these spokes, the less you have to deal with the pursuer-distancer dance. If you both enjoy the same amount of alone time, together time and social time, then neither of you will feel suffocated by the other (the pursuer) and neither of you will feel alienated by the other (the distancer).

I'll be on hiatus for the next two weeks, but when I return, I'll discuss another Life Value, The Meaning of Life.

Security vs.Freedom, What to Look For?

If you tend toward the predictable in your own life, you’ll want to look for the following in a potential girlfriend:

*Financial security: has no credit-card debt, has a stable job in a readily employable career, owns a house/condo.

*Calm demeanor: meditates, is in a job where she uses listening skills (therapist, mediator, judge, teacher).

*Planning: keeps a personal calendar, makes lists.

If you tend towards the spontaneous, you’ll want to look for the following in a potential girlfriend:

*Bubbly personality: emotionally expressive, gesticulates when she talks.

*Spontaneity: introduces friends to new restaurants, foods, music and people; is involved with new projects whenever you see her.

*Flexibility: doesn’t stay at a job for more than a couple of years, changes cars and apartments as often, manages to have the time/money to take long vacations/compete in a sailing race/volunteer overseas for the summer.

Next: Connectedness vs. Independence

Security vs. Freedom

For a long-term relationship to work, you'll want to share your basic life values. Among those basic life values is whether you prefer security or freedom.

People who prefer security to freedom gravitate to jobs that offer good benefits and employment stability. They have an emergency fund in the bank. They love planning for events, vacations and projects. More often than not, they know what they are doing on the weekend before the weekend comes. Your anal geek.

Those who prefer freedom move from job to job fairly often. They care less about the benefits and stability of the job than enjoying the work, the people and having flexibility--flexibility in scheduling and flexibility to develop the job in different directions than originally foreseen. They would rather arrive in a city with no hotel reservation and no plan. Your entrepreneurial geek.

Of course, a security-lover can find a spontaneous person very exciting to be with for a period of time. In fact, it would probably be very fun for a tight-ass to date a freedom-lover for a while. But if you really are at extreme ends on this scale, over the long run it won’t work. What happens when one of you wants to quit her job and move to Bangladesh? Or what if she wants to spend your emergency fund on a tropical vacation or a business idea that has a very uncertain outcome?

No one falls completely on either end of the spectrum. And you may be more free and spontaneous in your work life but fairly rigid in your personal life. Or the opposite could be true. Maybe you love buying last-minute plane tickets for a long weekend in San Francisco and throwing spontaneous dinner parties but you’ve been at your government job for ten years and love having a pension you’ll be able to count on. Generally, though, people favor one side of the spectrum.

Which side do you fall on? Not which do you want to fall on. Be honest.

Not that you can’t be with someone who is more spontaneous than you are (or more secure), but a large difference in this area will not work in a marriage.

Up on Friday: what to look for in a date if your a security-lover, and what to look for if you're a freedom-lover.

What Do You Really Want?

Why am I addressing this so far along in the blog? Why did I not address it right off? Because what you want does not matter. At least not when you’re first dating. But as you progress along in your dating prowess, at some point you will be looking for The One and then you will want to be more choosy. And when that time comes (give it at least a year of dating practice,) you do need to be clear about what values are important to you and what you want in a woman.

So stop reading now and make a list of the traits of your ideal woman.

Done? Okay, that was probably pretty easy to do. Now ask yourself: is your list realistic? Do *you* have the traits you’re looking for in a woman? If you don’t possess a lot of them, why would the woman you’ve described be interested in you? Your partner is not going to “complete” you or make up for the things you suck at.

Does your description of your ideal women take into account your basic values? A person who is a good match can be very different from you on the surface. She might not read or watch sci-fi or even know the difference between fantasy and sci-fi. She might, God forbid, have a degree in English and have satisfied her college science requirement by taking “Chemistry for Humanities Majors.” Geeks tend to eliminate possibles based on superficial preferences, like having arcane knowledge about twentieth-century nuclear physicists, grieving the passing of Gary Gygax or being a Farscape fan. But it’s actually desirable to be “opposites” in surface ways. What a good match should have in common with you are your basic life values, not necessarily your preference in leisure activities. Having some separate interests allows you to retain your individuality and get some time apart while you engage in your hobbies, and it also means you can stretch each other and teach each other new things if your areas of interest are different. But you do want your underlying values to be the same if you want to stay together in the long term.

Next time: I'll begin discussing basic life values, starting with "Security versus Freedom."

Fighting Wrapup

The Least You Can Do:

Identify your fighting style. Are you a Yielder? an Avoider? a Debater? a Winner? or a Compromiser?

Reflect back on your last week or month and identify a problem you have with someone that needs to be resolved. And then practice conflict resolution with someone with whom it’s less threatening to do so than an intimate partner, such as a parent, co-worker or sibling.

Identify your hot buttons. And realize that’s *your* issue, not hers. If shoes left under the coffee table send you into a tizzy, that’s your problem--not hers for leaving them there.

Honor Student:

Get assertiveness training.

On Friday, I'll start blogging about figuring out what it is you really want in a woman--and figuring out what it is women really want.

Breaking Up

What if this really is the end?

Do it in person. Never break up over the phone or via email. I’m not talking about a one date “relationship.” In that case, the phone or email--or even never calling her back--is fine because it’s not a breakup since you were never really together. It’s the coward’s way out, though, not to do it face to face if you did have a relationship. Also you’ll never get your key, muffin pan or favorite t-shirt back unless you do it in person.

Don’t break up in the middle of a fight when emotions are running high. It leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and you’ll feel like a jerk tomorrow.

Don’t start the conversation with “I think we should break up.” It’s jolting even if she’s been thinking the same thing. Start with something like “I’ve been thinking about our relationship,” or “Can we talk about where things are going for us?” This gives her the opportunity to come to the mutual agreement that things would be best if you went your separate ways. No one likes to feel she was dumped. Better that you both walk away feeling it was mutual.

No need to list the character faults that repulsed you, but do leave her with some explanation, especially if the break up comes as a surprise to her. Make some kind of general (but true) statement about why you’re not happy with the relationship. “I’m not interested in getting particularly serious at this point in my life.” Or “Our living habits are so different we wouldn’t be compatible living together.” Do not say “You wouldn’t want to live with me because I’m such a slob” because she can argue with that. And do not say “You are so disgustingly slovenly I can’t imagine living with you.” It may be true but it’s also unnecessarily hurtful.

If you both want to continue to be friends, that’s fine. But make sure that’s what you both really want, and make sure you aren’t staying in each other’s lives as a way of dragging out the relationship or giving the other person false hopes.

Next time: Fighting Wrapup

What are fights about?

Fights are often not about what they appear to be about at first glance. Does it drive you nuts when your partner corrects your pronunciation--even when she’s right (which she always is)? What is that about? Does it bug you because being wrong in the household you grew up in meant that you were stupid? Or did your family correct each other with sarcasm and demeaning comments, rather than correcting to be helpful? When you notice yourself getting angry or hurt, ask why the behavior or comment of the other person bothers you. (Hint: it’s not because she is an asshole. Which she may be. But that’s not relevant.)

Sometimes fighting about not taking out the garbage is about the annoyance of the stinky, over-filled trash can, but sometimes it’s really about how your partner interprets the garbage. She may not say “You didn’t take out the garbage so I know you don’t care about me.” She may refrain from saying it because she doesn’t want to admit how hurt she is and she knows intellectually that it’s ridiculous to let it bother her that much. But that may be exactly what she is feeling (that you don't care about her because you didn't take out the garbage). If there is a lot of emotion from her or you on a topic that, from the outside, seems silly to be so wrought up about, figure out what the fight is *really* about because it ain’t about the garbage. It’s something deeper. Ask yourself and her: what does the garbage symbolize? Lack of ambition in life? Inconsideration? Absence of true love? Sounds silly, but then why are you yelling about the garbage? These "silly" arguments are going to keep coming up if you don't at the root of the real issue.

But what if this isn't just a fight? What if this really is the end?

Up next: How to Break Up