Friday, July 2, 2010

Fighting Styles Wrapup

The Compromiser. A pair of Compromisers are the classic “perfect” couple. They know how to listen to each other, validate the other person’s feelings, reflect what they hear accurately and are able to state their own feelings and desires in clear and direct ways. At the end of an argument, the couple comes together with a compromise, or one or the other partner yields, though the yielder is not the same person every time. The Compromiser wants to be with another Compromiser but can get along with a Yielder.

The plus
: Each person feels heard and conflicts have resolutions.

The minus: Compromise and the best interest of the “couple” often get priority over the individual. Also the relationship may be missing a certain level of passion.

With the exception of the Winner (described on Tuesday), any of the styles I've written about in the last couple of posts is workable in a relationship, provided that your partner has the same or a compatible style and provided that you are willing to live with the minuses of that particular approach. The Winner, however, is a different matter. The level of control they need to have in their lives doesn’t allow for partnerships of equals. And most women these days, even if they are Yielders, want to be thought of as equal. And Yielders want to have their yielding considered a moral sacrifice of a kind and giving person, not a nod to the superior/correct partner by the inferior partner whose opinion is never right.

So if your style is the Winner, embrace being alone or change your ways. In a relationship you will sometimes (not always!) have to yield to the other person *even when you are right*. That is not a typo. I said “right.” And you will sometimes (not always!) have to apologize even when it was more (or all) her fault, not yours. Because sometimes an apology is not about who was right but about who was hurt. Because sometimes an apology is about the way something was said and not about the content of what was said. The question comes down to this: would you rather be right all the time or in a relationship? It’s your choice.

Up next time: The first in a series on How to Fight

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