Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Sexploits: The Basics

Wear underwear without rips in it. There are probably women out there who like the tighty whitey. I just don’t know any. Wear boxers or boxer briefs.

As to manscaping, being clean is really what is most important. If your pubic hair is particularly wild and crazy, consider trimming it. If you like mouth on testicle action, shaving down there will get you more of what you want. Do what you find comfortable in regards to hair removal in your nether regions. It's not that big a deal to most women.

When making love, like a boy scout, be prepared. You should have the following at close hand:

• Clean sheets, preferably 100% cotton and a high thread count (300 or higher) or silk or satin. Avoid flannel—it'll remind her of your grandmother.

• Condoms, in a new box if this is your first time with her. It’s way tacky to use condoms from a box that’s already open and missing some condoms. Yeah, she knows/assumes you’ve slept with other women, but she doesn’t want to have to be reminded of it as you are both lying there naked together.

• Lubrication. A full bottle--see reason above. Any number of brands are fine--particularly good are Astroglide and Slippery Stuff.

• A glass of water. Or two.

• Tissues and/or a hand towel. Do I need to be specific about why?

• Candles and a lighter, if you wish

Advanced items:

If you must have massage oil, get the kind that does not stain sheets. Most kinds commonly available do stain sheets. The brands that won’t are generally available at sex toy shops or, for the shy, on the Internet.

As to bubble bath and other bathtub accoutrements? Forget about it. It's really hard to get comfortable in a bathtub, even a large one, with another person, and she may not be at ease with you seeing her naked body exposed in that way and from those potentially unflattering angles.

Like massage oil and bubble bath, bondage tape, handcuffs, etc. are unnecessary. If you're into them and she is too, and you're comfortable with it, fine. But the reality is you don't need any of it.

Friday, September 24, 2010


Here’s the bad news: what some women prefer, others don't, and what some women don't like, others can't get enough of. And, oh, yeah, the same woman can *not* want the same thing she loved the last time you did it.

The good news: you can always resort to (surprise!) asking her what she likes. I know this concept is novel, but it actually works. Except with the woman who doesn’t know what she wants until you help her discover it...

While I do plan on writing about technique, remember that a woman is not a car engine, and she doesn’t want to be treated like a machine that needs to be figured out. Focusing on technique distances you from your partner. You may be stimulating her breasts exactly right according to some article you read in Maxim, but if you aren’t paying attention to how she is reacting in that moment to the stimulation, you may be annoying her.

Connect to your partner. Pay attention to the moment. And to her. *That* is what is important—not some suave technique.

You may be nervous, or you may be so tuned in to your own orgasm that you have your eyes closed the whole time you’re making love. Open your eyes. Look at your partner during sex. She doesn’t want to be your masturbation toy, and she doesn’t want to think that you could be picturing someone else behind those closed eyes while you’re inside her.

The keys to being a great lover?

1. Act confident (even when you aren't confident).

2. Approach her and your lovemaking with curiosity. You don't need to “know” everything. Learning about each other through the process is fun and creates more intimacy than diving in and doing it the way you were told to by some supposedly very experienced friend (male or female).

3. Be present with her in the moment.

I will repeat this again: being a great lover is not about "perfect" technique or an encyclopedic range of "moves" or vast amounts of experience. It's about being present and connected.

Up next: The Basics

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Dry Spell

But what is the relevance of anything in these last few posts about identifying your your match if you can’t even manage to get *any* dates, much less find a mate or girlfriend? Let’s say a year has passed and you’ve implemented the recommended changes on this blog, and you’re still at home every Saturday night, looking at pictures of Jupiter on the National Geographic Web site with no dates in sight. Is it hopeless?

All of us have dry spells. Even yearlong ones. If you have a life you love and someone to bitch to (preferably someone in your same dateless circumstance--partnered people will have no patience with you), you can get through a dry spell.

If it’s more than a dry spell, be really honest with yourself:
*Are you making dating and socializing a priority? If you live in Alaska, you aren’t making it a priority. Which is fine if you really love Alaska. But quit your complaining about not being able to find a girlfriend.
*Have you done all you could to be available and attractive (i.e., followed *all* the advice in this book)? Do you have an online profile? Have you lost some weight? *Do you have interesting hobbies?
*Do you need a reality check from a brutally honest friend about what you do that puts women off? Ask a friend about the kind of first impression you make. Are you a loud, abrasive know-it-all? Do you tell stories that put you in a bad light--either by being painfully boring or by highlighting your least appealing traits? Do you give off an aloof, cold, unavailable vibe? Being shy can make a person seem distant and unapproachable.
*Lastly, do you have emotional issues that need to be worked out in therapy?

If you can be truthful with yourself and then *do* something about it, you will not want for dates.

Friday, September 17, 2010

What Do Women Want?

The Physical
Women tend to be less picky than men about looks and weight but we do have standards:
*Clean clipped fingernails. No one wants to get scratched with a rough nail.
*Thighs that are larger than hers.
*Two eyebrows. No unibrows please!
*A reasonable level of physical strength. Okay, so we’re a little shallow.

*Takes care of his health. Men typically die earlier--we don’t want you to make it worse.
*Shows public displays of affection.
*Knows how to give a massage.
*Is good in bed.
*Has a clean bathroom.
*Thinks and says her body is the sexiest thing ever.
*Doesn’t look at other women, particularly when you’re together. (She will find out if you’re looking at other women when she isn’t around.)
*Is a good storyteller.

Personality Traits
*Is silly, makes her laugh. Remember: quoting Monty Python is not funny. Neither are puns. (Okay, sometimes puns are funny but *you* can’t tell the difference between the funny ones and the un-funny ones. So avoid them.)
*Is verbally, emotionally expressive.
*Is spontaneous.
*Has some trait or accomplishment she can be proud of: really good-looking, successful, smart, entrepreneurial or nurturing. You don’t have to be all of those things. One will do. Women like to brag about their beaus. Give her something she can brag about.
*Is stable (financially, emotionally).
*Is fiercely loyal.
*Is thoughtful--once might have been called chivalry. Remember to have her favorite candy or chips on hand when she comes over to watch a movie. Ask about the work project she talked about last time you were together. Bring her hot soup when she’s sick.

That's what we want!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Values to Match On

The last item you must match on is not exactly a value. It’s the kids or no kids question. It’s okay to be undecided on whether you want kids or not, but if you have a strong desire one way or the other and you are dating in order to meet your wife, you need to find a way to make your opinion known early on. Online dating services are great because most of them have the kids question as one of the default questions that you have to answer when you set up your profile. A woman may run in the other direction if you talk about kids on a first date, but do drop clues if you start seeing each other regularly.

Look back at your description of the ideal woman that I asked you to write down several weeks ago. Are there qualities you would change, add, subtract? It should be clear by now that qualities like “must love The Decemberists” and “gets my Simpsons references” don’t need to be on your list, but qualities like “is politically active” might be essential to you.

Take into consideration that stability in a long term relationship often goes with having similar backgrounds, ideals and traits: for example, socio-economic background and current financial standing, religious upbringing, current religious/spiritual beliefs, level of formal education, level of intelligence and interest in politics.

Using the list below, think about the end of the spectrum where you fall. Then go back through the list and decide how much variation you can tolerate in a partner. Write it down. Maybe you don’t want kids, but step kids would be all right. Maybe you’re Christian but she doesn’t have to be as along as she has some kind of spiritual grounding.

Security ... Freedom
Closed social circle … Open social circle
Social butterfly … Homebody
Time with others … Time alone
Interdependence … Independence
Materialism … Spirituality
Apathy … Involvement
Avoider … Debater … Compromiser
Kids … No kids

So now you know what you want and what makes for a stable relationship, but...

What Do Women Want?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Her Fighting Style

How can you tell what her style is? If you’ve been together for a year, it’s probably easy to tell. If you haven’t had an argument during that time, she’s an Avoider (and you probably are too). If you’ve had several arguments where she has ended up crying or yelling, she’s probably a Debater. And if you’ve had calm conversations sitting on the couch where it felt like you were in a therapy session, she’s likely a Compromiser.
But how can you tell what kind of conflict style someone has before you get that deeply into a relationship? The Debaters are usually easy to spot. They bring up controversial topics in social settings and are likely to be the ones doing most of the talking (and loudly) during those conversations. You get the feeling from them that they like to be right all the time.

Compromisers are often the ones in the group that recognize if someone is uncomfortable (with the conversation topic or with social situations in general) or if someone has a headache or other physical malady. They are likely to ask about these things without the person having verbally expressed any discomfort. When others are arguing or debating a topic, Compromisers will make clarifying statements ( “so what x seems to be saying is…,” “do you mean…?”), and they will ask questions before expressing their own opinion on the matter.

Avoiders are more difficult to suss out because some Avoiders do enjoy intellectual debate but abhor arguments of the personal kind. Some clues might be bitching about problems at work that she has never brought to the attention of her boss, shutting down when someone contradicts her, and ignoring social slights or oversights, such as the host forgetting to make the drink that he said he would get for her.

Figure out what your style is and find someone who matches or is compatible with you.

Up Next: Values Wrap-up

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Fighting Style

Another arena in which you'll need to find compatibility is in your fighting style. I wrote about this recently. But let's review.

There are different appropriate ways to handle conflict. Some avoid it. Some confront it head on and are very emotionally expressive in these interactions. Others negotiate. None of these styles is bad or wrong. But mix an Avoider with a Debater, and you’ve got a disaster on your hands.

Avoiders/Yielders rarely come into conflict with each other. They do get annoyed with their partner’s behavior. And they do disagree with their partners on various issues. But, for the most part, none of these annoyances or disagreements is important enough for the annoyed partner to bother bringing it up. And as long as the annoyances really are not that big of a deal to the partner, this is a fine way to deal with conflict. It means that there is a lot that this couple doesn’t know about each other since they keep silent about a lot of things, but the relationship is fairly placid, and that’s what is preferable for these couples.

Other couples are Debaters. They have loud, emotionally expressive conflicts about almost everything that they could have a conflict about. They enjoy pushing each other and value letting it all hang out over having peace in the home. This couple knows a lot about each other and may be more intimate emotionally than other types of couples but run the risk of saying things in the heat of the argument that they wish they could take back and can not.

The Compromiser couple largely practice all the techniques that you are “supposed” to when in conflict. They listen. They acknowledge the feelings behind their partner’s words and they work out a compromise.Sometimes Compromisers end up giving up a lot of what they want as individuals for the benefit of the relationship.

How do you deal with conflict? You should know from the previous posts on fighting what kind of fighter you are, but if not, think over the last year of your life, both at work and in your personal life. How many outright conflicts have you had with anyone? If your only expressed conflicts were with your parents or siblings, you’re an Avoider. There’s simply no way that in the course of a year, a decision hasn’t been made at work that you utterly disagreed with. And there’s no way a friend didn’t do something that pissed you off or hurt your feelings. If you can think of an argument you had over the past year, how would you categorize it? You’re less likely to be a Debater in a work situation, even if you are a Debater in your personal life, so try to think of a conflict with a friend. Did you get emotional? Were you accusatory? You’re a Debater. Or did you think long and hard about what you wanted to say before you said it? Did you talk through ways to resolve the issue? Did you walk away from the conversation enlightened by what your friend had to say? You’re a Compromiser.

Up Next: But how can you tell what her style is?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Apathy vs. Involvement

Another value on which you'll want to match a long-term partner is your level of apathy/involvement, which shows up in different arenas: politics, your own health, the environment, etc.

Are you more of a laissez-faire sort of person? Do you think there isn’t much you can do to improve your health, that it’s mostly determined by biology, so why exercise, see a doctor regularly or eat healthy? Do you think it doesn’t matter if you recycle or take the bus instead of driving? What difference does one person make? Then you are on the apathetic end of the scale. Look for someone who shares your apathy.

Or do you vote, engage in local politics and write your senator on a regular basis? Do you try to do what you can to be healthy and keep the environment vital? Then look for someone who takes an active role in her community.

If the two of you are not near each other on this spectrum, it will drive both of you nuts. If you’re apathetic, she will worry about your health, and nag you about it, and ultimately she will not respect you for failing to do anything about the wrong in the world. If you’re the engaged one, she might find your optimism encouraging and even infectious at first, but ultimately your energy about politics, the world, health, etc. will grate on her nerves as all she wants to do is relax.

Next Up: Fighting Style