Values to Match On

The last item you must match on is not exactly a value. It’s the kids or no kids question. It’s okay to be undecided on whether you want kids or not, but if you have a strong desire one way or the other and you are dating in order to meet your wife, you need to find a way to make your opinion known early on. Online dating services are great because most of them have the kids question as one of the default questions that you have to answer when you set up your profile. A woman may run in the other direction if you talk about kids on a first date, but do drop clues if you start seeing each other regularly.

Look back at your description of the ideal woman that I asked you to write down several weeks ago. Are there qualities you would change, add, subtract? It should be clear by now that qualities like “must love The Decemberists” and “gets my Simpsons references” don’t need to be on your list, but qualities like “is politically active” might be essential to you.

Take into consideration that stability in a long term relationship often goes with having similar backgrounds, ideals and traits: for example, socio-economic background and current financial standing, religious upbringing, current religious/spiritual beliefs, level of formal education, level of intelligence and interest in politics.

Using the list below, think about the end of the spectrum where you fall. Then go back through the list and decide how much variation you can tolerate in a partner. Write it down. Maybe you don’t want kids, but step kids would be all right. Maybe you’re Christian but she doesn’t have to be as along as she has some kind of spiritual grounding.

Security ... Freedom
Closed social circle … Open social circle
Social butterfly … Homebody
Time with others … Time alone
Interdependence … Independence
Materialism … Spirituality
Apathy … Involvement
Avoider … Debater … Compromiser
Kids … No kids

So now you know what you want and what makes for a stable relationship, but...

What Do Women Want?