Friday, October 16, 2009

Dating is Not About Sexual Gratification

Even though you’re desperate, and even though it has been a long time (or maybe you’re a virgin), geeks, in general, seem to have this one under control, if only because you are too shy to act in favor of your own narcissistic impulses. Still I feel obliged to mention this one to caution you about two things.

When, *if*, you do sleep with her, remember that she is not a masturbatory tool. She’s an actual person with sexual needs that might run counter to your own--e.g., her being on top might be more pleasurable to her while the reverse may be true for you, tilting her hips back away from you might do it for you while tipping her hips forward might be better for her. Pay attention to the subtle cues of her body, and the pacing of her breathing. (I’ll write more about this later.) But don’t so focus on “giving” her a orgasm that, once again, the act of making love becomes about you--only this time about your sexual prowess. Yes, she wants to have an orgasm, but making the act about a particular physical goal can detract from the enjoyment of the moment.

Second, geeks say more than they should. Is it nervousness? A product of valuing honesty and transparency in all things? A lack of social skill and tact? Yes, yes and yes. No one wants to hear everything you’re thinking. Silence is better. Even awkward silence is better. Being honest and open for geeks is *way* too often about revealing their own deep-seated narcissism. Is that the kind of flaw you want to show off? Or is it the kind of flaw you want to change right now by changing your behaviors? So don’t talk about how sexually deprived you are, or she will think “So we’re doing it because you’re hard up, not because you’re into me.” And don’t talk about how nervous you are about how you will perform, or she will think “This is going to be the worst sex ever” or “It’s all about him apparently--*his* orgasm, *his* making me have an orgasm, *his* sexual skill or lack of it.” Think about her. Ask about her. Getting the focus off yourself will help you relax and be less self-conscious.

Up next Friday: Dating is Not Easy.

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